The one whom my soul loves...

"Please." I begged. We were on our second date. I remember it like it was yesterday. A quick lunch between shifts at our respective pizza restaurants. Applebees in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. I was 21, he was 25. We both had pasts that would make you shudder. At the time of said lunch he was engaged and I was dating at least 3 other guys. I came with toddler in tow which made me a ready made family, just add a husband. 
"Please." I begged again. He looked at me, shook his head and smiled. That smile would be my undoing. Laying on the table in front of me scribbled on a napkin was his last name. "Say it" he said. "Come on, it isn't that hard." I stared back unable to keep from smiling. I whined. "I can't. " He laughed, "Just try." I stared at the letters. MACIASZEK. What? How do I even start to say this name. If I say it and I get it wrong will he think I am unintelligent? I like him so much. What's not to like? He was better looking than any other guy who had ever even looked my way, he was smart and funny, oh my goodness was he funny. He made me laugh in a way no one can even to this day. He was tender and he had a strength about him that told me he was going to do big things one day. I felt safe just sitting with him. At that moment I couldn't imagine him not being in my life.
"MA..." I paused. "Uh-huh." he teased. The twinkle in his eye let me know he was having way too much fun at my expense. "Nope, can't do it." I said. Finally, he relented and told me how to say it. 
If I had a nickel for every time I have said it, repeated it and spelled it I would be able to fund more adoptions with no fundraising. 

Just 8 short weeks later I was standing in my bedroom half dressed waiting for my wedding to start. 
"Is he here yet?" I asked anyone who would listen. "No." someone yelled from the other room. We were supposed to get married downstairs in my parent's garage in 30 minutes. My mom had been begging me to get dressed but I refused. I was so afraid he wouldn't show up and didn't want to go to all that trouble just in case. Meanwhile, Jared, who was 20 months at the time was downstairs all gussied up in his suit causing trouble wherever he walked. 
"He's here!" I heard someone yell. Here we go, I thought. 
20 minutes later I began my very short walk down the aisle only to ask myself if I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know this man from Adam, sure he's super attractive and makes me laugh and oh yeah, the sex is good too but is that enough? What makes a marriage? 

We both came from train wreck marriages. There isn't enough time or space to talk about everything that we witnessed from our own parent's marriages. But lets put it this way, none of it was pretty. We didn't have one thing to start us off on the right foot. And it didn't help that his groomsman and several of my friends told us we didn't have a prayer. I actually had an ex-boyfriend call me to say please call me in 6 months when its over. WOW.
So, I guess it really came as no surprise to anyone that just about 3 months later I found myself at my mom's back door screaming and crying and wanting to call a lawyer. All the truths of who we both were caught up with us and we didn't like what we discovered. It was ugly at best! My mom sat me down and told me that running away and getting a divorce is not the answer. That with God's help we could work through this. I didn't want to hear any of it. She begged me, please go to counseling she said. They can help you. Yeah right! I told her I would make her a deal, if she could convince Brian to go then OK. 

"So, what gives you the right to tell us what to do and how to change." I spouted to the couple who sat across from us. Mom had convinced Brian to attend counseling. He later told me he agreed to one session but that was it. 
Chuck and Betty sat wide eyed and I am sure were dying with laughter on the inside as I gave them the evil eye. Had I only known the extent of their own pasts, I am sure my judgmental attitude would have given me right to flee the building. Thankfully, God saw fit to keep some of that concealed until my heart was a little more soft. 
I pretty much opened up my own can of worms that day taking on an attitude like that. They tore me a new one and Brian was so happy about it he agreed to come back. Little did he know they were going to tear him up the next week. By then however, we agreed divorce wasn't the answer and agreed to keep coming. We went pretty regularly for about a year. After that it was more for maintenance. You know, like a car. 
We got better as people and our marriage began to grow.
However, at year 7 it took a hit and I didn't think we would make it.

Brian had begun working for a new company that was franchising new restaurants. We were part of the venture and so it was his responsibility for getting them open. Before training began he was working all hours and gone all the time. I had three small kids at home and a little part time job. I felt like a single mom and was battling depression. Before we knew what was happening he was clocking 60, then 70 and finally 80 hours some weeks. I was a wreck. He was a wreck. We were on auto-pilot. I had been battling depression and it became so severe I sought treatment for a week in patient. It ended up being the best decision I ever made but I was still working through things. Brian had been so amazing and supportive but the demands of his job took him away more and more our marriage began to suffer. Then the fire came. He had to leave for training for 6 weeks in Virginia. About 3/4 of the way through it they flew me out to see him. It was awful. I remember it like it was yesterday. I couldn't hide the way I felt about him or the way things were going. "I am not in love with you anymore." We were at the airport. My timing was terrible. My plane was leaving in an hour. "OK." he said. What did I expect him to do with that information? "I can't live this way, I can't do this. I am all alone in this life. I'm sorry." I had nothing. I was completely falling apart on the inside. I knew I had just crushed him into a thousand pieces and I couldn't take it back. So, I got on the plane and I left. About a week later he came home and everything between us had changed. Monotone. We went through the motions and never talked about anything except what we had to. Until one night when my whole world really came crashing down. 
As with most business men back in the early 2000's Brian had a palm pilot. Sorry if you don't know what one is, I don't have time to explain. He kept his contacts, calendar and got his email on it. There I just explained. Anyway, like all computer type thingys it also had games. I liked to play solitaire and one night when I couldn't sleep I began to play. After several minutes I was bored and began looking at other applications on his device. I got to his email. I started scrolling and suddenly my heart began to pound and my body began to shake. What was I seeing? What was I reading? There was someone else? This quickly? What? Who is she? Where is she from? I was reading and reading and another woman was using affectionate terms towards my husband. I lost it. I didn't know which end was up. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. What do I do with this? How could he? Wait. What did I expect? I had pushed him away for months. I had told him I didn't love him anymore. While this didn't justify his behavior, I knew my part. 
The details of that night aren't necessary but suffice it to say he left. 
I tossed and turned the entire night. I cried and cried. I had never felt more alone. I would like to tell you that I cried out to God but I don't remember. I remember being numb and terrified that my marriage was over. 

"So before we take one step further or Betty and I give you one word of counsel, I have one question." We were back with Chuck and Betty, our faithful counselors. Only because of the seriousness of the situation we were at their house, after hours. We looked back at Chuck and just said, "OK."
"Are you here because you genuinely want to save your marriage?" Chuck asked. 
We both hesitated but truthfully there wasn't a doubt in our minds. "YES."
I was screaming on the inside for help. I wanted my husband. I did not want to face a life without him. And not just for sake of our children but for us. 
That night began another round of healing. God has taken us through several of these. I wish I could sit here and say it has been smooth sailing ever since but it hasn't. We have wanted to quit so many times I have lost count. Some days it seems easier to give up. But it isn't. 

Here we are, 20 years, 5 kids and if I had the time to write it, a book full of God stories and how he has grown and shaped us over all this time. The pain had to happen. It stretched us. It took us to places we know we never could have gotten to without it.
Be encouraged no matter what you may be facing in your own marriage. Know that, with God's help you can keep going. And I don't mean in a monotone-just-tolerating-each other way. You can really be in love and be friends and enjoy each other. This is what God wants. If you are going through the motions, stop! Be intentional with each other. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. Make sure your kids come second (don't bash me please) because as amazing as kids are, they grow up and move away and you are stuck with each other. Make being stuck with each other a great thing. I am so looking forward to being "stuck" with Brian in about 15 years when JG has graduated. 
I truly love him and love being with him more than any other person on the planet. I will take an evening with him over a girls night out any day of the year! He is gracious and patient with me. He teaches me so much and I want to be better because of him. He loves me passionately and even though I am getting older, there are a few more lines on my face and inches to my waist line he thinks I am hot! He is so dedicated to our family and more importantly to God's will for our family. He pushes me and inspires me everyday.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!!!! 

HERE'S TO 20+ MORE. I LOVE YOU!!!