I saw you last night. You were in my dreams. You were as real as you could be. So clear. I stepped closer and placed my hands on your shoulders. I looked at you, knowing in my heart this could be the last time I see you for a while. You hair was exactly the same as when you left us. I studied you so closely. I traced every line on your face, I looked into your eyes and our eyes held each other. It was the most beautiful moment.
I woke this morning with the deepest ache after seeing my mom in my dreams. This was unlike any other time.
Most of time she is still sick, or we are going somewhere or doing something but this time she was just standing there. There were no words between us. I can't tell you what she was wearing, all I can tell you is she was so real to me. I remember thinking in my dream, this is the 5 more minutes I have always wanted. Even as I type I can't stop the tears as my heart aches at her loss and I grieve for her.
As I had time with the Lord this morning I let the tears flow. Healing tears. Tears that bring peace and comfort because He is near to the brokenhearted. I prayed for everyone today where ever they are grieving a loss this big. Grieving a potential loss because sickness has invaded their family the way it once invaded mine. It was so therapeutic.
Time is never a healer of these things but God always is. I encourage you, if this is you today, cry out to God in your brokenness. He hears you. He is sympathetic to us. The word says he keeps count of our tossings; and puts our tears in His bottle...Ps. 56:8
Isn't that amazing? How precious that is to think the God of this universe sees and keeps record of me and you!
So thankful for the the joy that brings. Seek Him today and you will be able to choose joy despite the mourning.
Blessings.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
The beginning of the end...for baby number 2
Of course he isn't my baby anymore and he would probably kill me for the reference, however they will all always be my babies. I will never apologize for that.
Jackson and Jayden started back to school today. And for Jackson, as a senior, it marks the beginning of this first "end".
The roller coaster that we, as a family have been on the past 4 months could fill pages and pages of this blog. But silence is what I have chosen as I, mom am processing and working through all the overwhelming emotion.
Knowing that I will graduate two kids back to back was tearing me up inside at one point over the summer. It was all I could do not to crawl into the fetal position, put my thumb in my mouth and commit myself.
But then they went on their very first mission trip to Nicaragua. Things changed for everyone. Their hearts and mine. They both grew up a little more and so did their mama. God filled me to overflowing in my heart and convicted me to my core about things that HAVE to change in my life. And those changes are beginning. Slowly, but they will be changed.
But back to that kid, you know, the second baby...erm...I mean son of mine.
When Jackson was in utero at just about 10 weeks things were not going well. They told us that according to the blood work he had already died and they wanted to do a DNC. Well, Brian wasn't having that and he laid hands on me and prayed. 3 hours later in the doctors office we heard his heart beat, which we were told would be near impossible because I wasn't far enough along. And just 7 or so months later Jackson was born weighing in at 9lbs 4oz. He came kicking and screaming, with an extra thumb on his left hand and has been a pistol ever since. He has a passion and drive that inspires me. He has been on fire for God since he was about 10 and has never looked back. He works and plays hard. He is as loyal as the day is long and he loves his family. As I write this I am overcome with emotion. I spend most of my days this way and it isn't a bad thing. I am so thankful we have come this far. There are thousands of parents across our globe who haven't been given 18 years with their kids. I am thankful for every day. I am thankful for every single school year even though I know it takes me closer to them moving out and potentially away. I am thankful for children who are following after the will of God and not their own. I am thankful Jackson and Jayden know all these things that I did not at this age.
We do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know the choice that I have right now here in this moment. And that is to hold fast to the truth of God's word because it is unchanging. So even though change is coming for Jackson this senior year my prayer is he too, will hold onto the unfailing, unchanging God because that is the only thing that will get him through everything and anything that comes his way today and in the years to come.
We love you Jackson and are so proud of you! Have a great senior year!!!!!
Jackson and Jayden started back to school today. And for Jackson, as a senior, it marks the beginning of this first "end".
The roller coaster that we, as a family have been on the past 4 months could fill pages and pages of this blog. But silence is what I have chosen as I, mom am processing and working through all the overwhelming emotion.
Knowing that I will graduate two kids back to back was tearing me up inside at one point over the summer. It was all I could do not to crawl into the fetal position, put my thumb in my mouth and commit myself.
But then they went on their very first mission trip to Nicaragua. Things changed for everyone. Their hearts and mine. They both grew up a little more and so did their mama. God filled me to overflowing in my heart and convicted me to my core about things that HAVE to change in my life. And those changes are beginning. Slowly, but they will be changed.
But back to that kid, you know, the second baby...erm...I mean son of mine.
When Jackson was in utero at just about 10 weeks things were not going well. They told us that according to the blood work he had already died and they wanted to do a DNC. Well, Brian wasn't having that and he laid hands on me and prayed. 3 hours later in the doctors office we heard his heart beat, which we were told would be near impossible because I wasn't far enough along. And just 7 or so months later Jackson was born weighing in at 9lbs 4oz. He came kicking and screaming, with an extra thumb on his left hand and has been a pistol ever since. He has a passion and drive that inspires me. He has been on fire for God since he was about 10 and has never looked back. He works and plays hard. He is as loyal as the day is long and he loves his family. As I write this I am overcome with emotion. I spend most of my days this way and it isn't a bad thing. I am so thankful we have come this far. There are thousands of parents across our globe who haven't been given 18 years with their kids. I am thankful for every day. I am thankful for every single school year even though I know it takes me closer to them moving out and potentially away. I am thankful for children who are following after the will of God and not their own. I am thankful Jackson and Jayden know all these things that I did not at this age.
We do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know the choice that I have right now here in this moment. And that is to hold fast to the truth of God's word because it is unchanging. So even though change is coming for Jackson this senior year my prayer is he too, will hold onto the unfailing, unchanging God because that is the only thing that will get him through everything and anything that comes his way today and in the years to come.
We love you Jackson and are so proud of you! Have a great senior year!!!!!
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| First day of preschool with his friend Kaylie (still in touch today) |
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| He and Jonah at Jack's 5th birthday. Still friends today. |
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| Getting senior pics done. I smiled so big that morning. |
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| First day as a senior. Jay is a junior. My heart is full. |
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