The Struggle is Real

The dark is consuming me with negative thoughts and feelings as I struggle to stay asleep. The "what ifs" are now plaguing me in another way.
Joy is here now. Does she wish she weren't? What if she hates every meal I've put in front of her thus far? What if she is screaming on the inside like I am? What if her pain is so great and there are no words because the language barrier is so vast? What if I can't rise up against all the selfishness in my heart? What if I can't help my daughter heal? What if, what if, what if...? I already feel like I am going in sane.

One day at a time. One moment at a time if I must. This is the path I must stay on. Reminding myself that God says DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW!!! Only today. OK, I tell myself. What is going on today? A friend suggested I write out one goal a day so I don't try and take on too much. I feel so lame. I don't ask for help well. I want my weakness to shine God's strength. Yet feel I can't even do that right. He is so much more than I can ever be on my own, Thank GOD. I glance at my wrist that reminds me everyday I AM is enough. HE IS!

I am reminded the jet lag and time change are still ravaging the three of us and I am always more emotional when I'm tired. My Aunt, who is more like a mom to me has been a rock these first few days home and she just left. I am reeling. No matter what there is no support like family support.

As Joy hands me the translating device I can't help but think how frustrated she must be. This is the third attempt trying to make me understand what she needs. I look and say "I don't know", she repeats, "I don't know?" The struggle is real.

On the upside, the honeymoon phase is in full swing. She loves her sister and JG loves her. They play together constantly. Joy is sweet and loving. She says "I love you". Is already figuring out how to get  her own water out of the fridge door. HA!! Such a first world thing. I taught her to put her plate and silverware in the dishwasher and all the while wish I could get in her head and see what she is thinking about all these new experiences.

There is so much to do between all the doctors appointments that are looming, ESL that will hopefully start this week, and the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head of how I can help her even more. This doesn't include just being a halfway decent wife to B, of which I want to be more than half, mom to my other 4 kids and their needs. Can I do it all? Right now, I don't feel like I can. But I have to remember, God has always told me I will be equipped when I need equipping. So, one foot in front of the other, one day at time, one appointment at a time, one need at a time. His mercies are new every morning. He is so faithful when I am so faithless. I am so thankful and my heart is truly full.

Blessings.

The Joys of adoption

Last post before coming home.
Today was a fun and pretty uneventful day.
We had our oath swearing at the consulate this morning at dawn. Not really, but it felt like it. Everything went really smoothly and Joy made friends with all the littles while we were there. I know she misses her foster brother so much. I am hoping JG will ease the pain a little once we are home.
We got back so early in the morning it was a little tricky wondering what to do the rest of the day.
So I taught her the game of UNO and in less than five minutes she had her strategy down and we were laughing our heads off.

I figured after 10 days in China I deserved (not really deserved) some pampering so I went for a mani/pedi. I tried to convince Joy but she wasn't having anything to do with it. She and her daddy went for lunch instead.
UNO took up the rest of the afternoon with so much laughing my face hurt and I gained some new eye wrinkles.
This evening was spent on the Pearl River Cruise which Joy loved. She spent the majority talking to our guide, Joyce. Can't say I blame her. She knows talking to other Chinese people will be minimal once we are home.
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we first started this process and were looking through the long heartbreaking list of children (minus photos) waiting for families there were 2 I was drawn to immediately. A little girl with a similar birthmark to JG (more severe) who is 4 and Joy who at the time was 12 (she turned 13 a week after). I wrestled for a short time just knowing that little four year old would be adopted bc of her age but that Joy had almost no chance at all. So after a few more weeks of wrestling (mainly bc of Joy's age) and wondering if this could be right for our family, a family meeting, prayer and asking for "a sign" (just kidding) we said yes knowing God opens and shuts doors no man can open and shut. We trusted that if it wasn't right He would be clear.
The day after we arrived in Guangzhou we had to meet our guide along with other Holt (our agency) families for our medical check/visa stuff.
As soon as we rounded the corner of the lobby there she was, that little 4 year old girl with the birthmark similar to JG!! I almost fell over. I have been in awe of God in so many ways but this took the cake. It's not astounding that she was adopted. But do you have any idea what kind of odds had to be in play for her to be in our exact group? There is no way I ever would have known otherwise...But God...
The emotion surrounding that one incident alone will forever play over and over in my head.
I encourage you whatever it is you feel led to do but aren't sure, just take steps. God WILL direct. He WILL guide. He WILL calm your fears. But most of all He WILL walk with you every step of the way and beyond. And if you're afraid (and trust me I understand that!), DO IT afraid.

God's hand is clearly evident in this situation. In all situations like this. In just one short week this not so little girl says "mommy, daddy, baba, I love you" and kisses me and her daddy on the cheek. She laughs and acts silly. Doesn't shy away from learning new words in English. She is clearly comfortable. I know there is lots of heartache and heartbreak. There will be difficult times but love always wins. Always. Because Jesus is love and we get to be His hands and feet. And hopefully because we are, Joy will find her joy in the Jesus who not only brought her the forever family she didn't know she needed but also joy in accepting the truth of His love that will save her soul.

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please pray for our very long travel day on Thursday. It starts at 4am and we will land in Raleigh at approximately 9:30pm. Here are specific requests: Pray for no motion sickness for Joy. Her heart as she leaves the country she loves and meets a new family/friends who already love her so much. For us all to sleep on the plane and for zero anxiety for me. Thank you again for being on this journey with us.
Until we see you all again on American soil...blessings. We love you!!

What a JOY

The whole process up to this point has been amazing. The prayers of a righteous man/woman avails much and it is evident that a lot of righteous people have been praying for us. We can't thank you enough. We have always stated the prayers mean more than the money and after this past week I stand by that statement more than ever!

There are two main things about our girl that we have noticed right off the bat. She can eat and sleep. Typical teen I guess. Friday morning, after another restless night for me (Rachel) I ended up sleeping until almost 11. When I prodded her to get up just a few minutes later she was pretty resistant. 

And man, can the girl eat. I don't know if it is because she has never had this many choices in her life or if this is how she has always been but either way, she eats as much as Brian. 

Friday we checked out of our hotel in Nanning and began the trip to Guangzhou. At the airport Joy made a call to her foster mom which brought on a lot of tears but that was nothing compared to saying good bye to our guide, Jane. Jane has known Joy since last May and throughout all this time of preparing her to be adopted they have gotten very close. Plus, while we were in Nanning, Jane was our life line for translation. She broke down and sobbed when saying good bye to Jane. It was heartbreaking. She quickly pulled out of it though and once on board the plane she could barely contain her excitement. We let her sit in the window seat and it was absolutely precious to see just how happy she was about the whole thing. She even turned to me at one point and "mommy, this make me so happy". Of course, I teared up at that. She loved every minute of that flight until we landed and then she got really sick. Thank goodness she didn't throw up but told us she was close. Please pray for that specifically, she gets car sick really easily also. Once we got to the hotel she was a ball of excitement all over again. She started running around the hotel room and pointing to everything and laughing and giggling. It was so amazing to watch. So much we take for granted. I am sure she has never seen anything so nice in her whole life. 

Today was a super early start. We had to meet in the lobby at 930 in order to go get visa pictures done and the medical check. This time around the medical check wasn't like a cattle call. There were only about 10 other adoptive families so things went pretty quick. Joy had to have 3 shots, a blood draw, ENT visit, physical and eye check. All were perfect except her eyes. Poor girl is blind as bat. We suspected the minute we got her because she squinted so much but today it was confirmed and its pretty bad. That appointment is the first on the list when we get back. 

The rest of today was pretty hum drum. Since I didn't get even 5 minutes sleep last night I needed to lay down which was good for her too. Lucky Brian got to do the paperwork appointment which is basically just Holt helping him make sure he can get through immigration when we land. 

Tonight after dinner we walked around the hotel and found a Foosball table. We spent about 45 minutes playing and it was the most fun we've had up to this point. She laughed and laughed which was a priceless sound. 

Please continue to pray. We still have 5 days left and I am struggling the most. I've already spent 2 days sick and I am missing JG more than I can even articulate. I know she is doing well and I am not worried about her at all. Just sad. I know I have to focus on right now, its just hard. 

Thank you again for coming alongside us. We could NEVER do this without you all. We are also praying for you guys. 

Oh and thanks for feeding our kids while we are gone. That has been invaluable. 

Until next time...

Blessings. 

Saying good bye to Jane

Learning how to crush some candy

About to board her first flight

Too much excitement

I got to watch her draw this today
so much talent

Capturing Joy ~ An Update

Here goes with a second attempt at an update since I erased the first one somehow. Frustrated doesn't even begin to explain how I feel right now. Today has been highly emotional, oh please, who am I kidding, this whole trip has been difficult from the onset. Not losing my joy, however small it might be. That is my strength, although I won't lie, I am not drawing from it like I should.

Tuesday met us with little to no sleep the night before. I am sure the time change coupled with nerves/excitement over what was about to happen were to blame. We met our guide, Jane at 930 and headed to the civil affairs office which, thankfully was only 10 minutes away. After a brief wait, we were shown to an office and then just like that, Joy was there. It was crazy. It took me back to meeting JG for the first time. For months and months they are just a face in a picture or video and suddenly there they are in the flesh. Sadly, there are no pictures or video of our first meeting but it was very surprising. I could tell she was shy but without hesitation she came over and hugged both me and Brian (not sure if she was prompted or not). We were shocked. I had asked Jane earlier about hugging her and she said I should give her some time which I completely agreed with. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm her. The rest of Tuesday was filled with interviews, more paperwork and finally back to the hotel for some down time. There were no words for just how exhausted we both were.

Wednesday found us without a guide which would have been completely overwhelming had we not figured out how to use the translating device. Our girl is much smarter than we are and that device is a complete life saver. Luckily she is willing to learn and already knows how to say "OK, thank you, I love you (which she says a lot), sorry, please and Yes". My favorite is "mommy". She says it anytime she hands me the device to read or when she comes out or goes in somewhere. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Its cute. She will need a lot of speech therapy but before that can even help her she will need surgery to begin correcting what should have probably been corrected a long time ago. Anyway, we shopped all day Wednesday and had so much fun doing it. She is not easy to buy for though. She has come from such poverty that she tells us everything is too expensive or that she doesn't need it. Except this couldn't be further from the truth. She came to us with the clothes on her back, 2 t-shirts and an extra pair of shoes. It is truly eye opening for me. And while I am thankful she doesn't want to take advantage of her "rich" American parents I do want to convey to her its OK to have what you need.
While in a book store I found an English speaking associate who was able to help my daughter choose some books. I had the girl explain we have a looooooong trip home and she will need something to read. We bought her the first three Harry Potter books which she was excited about. 

This was the most interesting way I've ever seen someone eat a sandwich.

Yes! We shopped at the GAP in China. Don't judge. Mama needed familiar.

Enjoying her favorite food.

The round building is our hotel.

Today was the day that brought the most joy and the most heartbreak. It was the day that I originally resisted the most. Meeting her foster family. This is the family who have raised her since she was 3 years old.
As we made our way through the back alley I felt a lump rise in my throat which I forced back. I knew this was necessary. The foster mom and sister met us at the bottom of the stairs and the excitement when they all saw each other was priceless and precious. The foster mom can't be more than 4'11 but she is a pistol. So much energy and such a happy personality. We made our way up the four flights of stairs and were all out of breath at the top. The foster mom's sister and her daughter were also there. They were all so welcoming, it was truly wonderful. They served us warm water (a cultural thing) and sliced pears. They all talked a mile a minute, over each other and very loudly. I would fit in with the Chinese for sure in that arena. And there was lots of laughter. It was such a beautiful reunion. Lots of hugging. It was evident that her foster sister was struggling the whole time. Her eyes were red and constantly seemed to be brimming with tears. Understandably, since they were together since toddler hood. Joy's little foster brother was quite smitten with Brian and especially all the cameras. Joy even let him take pictures with the camera we gave her. I can't even imagine how funny those pictures will look. We all took lots of pictures and we gave them the gifts we brought. The foster sister even allowed me to put on the necklace we got for her, which she loved. We got to see the bedroom that she shared with her foster mother, sister and foster brother. One room that is smaller than my master bedroom closet. Through the interpreter they talked to us a lot. They told us how smart and capable Joy is. What a good and easy going child she is. How they are so happy she has this chance to have a better life, to go to college and have a great future. The foster mother also jokingly asked if we could find her daughter a nice American boy to marry. Brian then said, "of course. And we will find you one too". She got a big kick out of that. They kept thanking us and saying how kind we are. It was overwhelming. They told us how beautiful our children are and how nice our house is. As I looked around, I couldn't help but silently repent for every complaint I had ever voiced. As we stood up to leave the emotional dam broke and everyone started crying. It was more than we could handle and we started to cry too. As I passed around the Kleenex we promised to take good care of her and love her forever. We hugged everyone and said our final goodbyes. As we made our way down the stairs all I could think about was my kids, and then I lost it again. She has loved this little girl as her own but because there is nothing better for her as an orphan she is doing the right thing by letting her go. I can't imagine her heartbreak.

 

 

I would love to share more pictures but this has literally taken me 3 hours to write because the Internet is so terrible over here.
One more thing to add though. I am truly thankful how well this has gone. Joy did not shed one tear leaving her foster family today and we think it is because she has already done so much grieving over the past few months before we even got here. Our guide told us that every time she would visit and they would talk about it she would cry so hard. It is possible she has been processing it for a while now and acceptance is here now that we are. I have read more than my fair share of stories where it wasn't even half this good so I know how blessed we are. I also know this is only the beginning and the honeymoon won't last forever. Lets face it, this isn't how it was supposed to be for her. In a perfect world she would be living with the parents who gave her life. But instead has faced more heartbreak in 13 years than most of us will experience in a life time. And while she is very happy and smiling it doesn't mean she isn't horribly uncomfortable. I know I am. I am completely out of my comfort zone. But GOD...He is bigger than all I feel and all I see that isn't right. My heart is broken in 2 at all the hundreds of thousands of children around the world who aren't given the chance that we are giving Joy. I implore you, get involved with orphan care. Know that God doesn't ask you to, HE COMMANDS you to. You who are reading this live privileged lives, you can DO SOMETHING. Even if its small. It isn't small to someone like Joy. I know how insurmountable it is. But I also know God is bigger. We raised $60,000 in less than 5 years to bring these girl's home. A little bit, is a little bit that these kids didn't have before. See the bigger picture. Stop making excuses and put your money where your mouth is. For where your money is there is your heart. What does your heart beat for? Yourself, your wants, your desires, or God's, His wants, His desires. And if you aren't sure, then get on your knees. I promise if you are really seeking Him, He has the power to change your desires to line up with His. And trust me, once He gets a hold of your heart, you won't even be able to remember what your selfish desires were. End of rant. :)

We love you all and are so thankful you joined us on this journey.

Oh and a message from Joy. "I am so excited to see you all and meet you all."

Blessings.

The Surreal just got REAL

After 34 hours, 3 planes and a 50 minute drive to the hotel we finally settled in for some decent sleep at 330am Monday morning China time. Not too bad considering we left our house at 6 am Saturday! Crazy!

After waking up this afternoon at 330 we decided to check out this city of about 8 million by walking next door to the mall. Don't judge. It was 85 degrees outside and 100% humidity and I think we are still running on fumes.
They don't really do ac here in China so we walked the mall while we sweat. Luckily, Starbucks was by the entrance so that made Brian's day and helped to cool him off.

Dinner time came fast and since its kind of hard to order in a regular restaurant we just went back to the hotel to eat. $54!!!! later (including an $8, yes I said $8 bottle of water) and I've decided to live on all the granola bars I brought. Hopefully breakfast won't be as much or we will be doing another fundraiser when we get back.

Tomorrow is the day our whole world and Joy's, changes. Our guide called us today to tell us they changed the meeting time. It was originally 3pm but has been moved to 10am! We are sooooo nervous. We will also go the same day and complete the adoption, making everything final and apply for her passport. We will then just be waiting for that to be completed, which happens on Friday.

Now, you are all filled in. Prayers appreciated (today at 10pm USA time) as this sweet girl gets her dream of a forever family granted by the greatest Father of them all.

Blessings.

The Journey has Begun

The house is quiet as I sit in near darkness contemplating all that begins in just 5 and 1/2 short hours.
My eye lids are heavy but I am determined to stay awake just a little longer in the hopes I will be so tired tomorrow that sleep will find me on that long leg to Beijing.

I think of Joy. It is 12:23pm where she is. What is she doing? What is she thinking about? Is she anxious? Scared? Sad? Is she filled with hopeful anticipation or terror and dread?

What about her foster mom and foster sister? This sweet girl who has been such an integral part of their lives for a little over 10 years will be leaving and, most likely, never coming back. What are they thinking and feeling?

And Jenna Grace. She is fast asleep at Nai Nai's probably dreaming about Frozen.
What about the the boys, Brian and me?! Our lives will never be the same again. Its surreal. And despite all the angst and struggle at different times on this journey it is so worth it.

I think about all it took to get to this place. This place that is so far from anything we thought we would do. I stress to people all the time. This wasn't EVER at any point part of any plan we ever had for ourselves. Sure we knew we would adopt again, but this soon and a 13 year old?! No way!

BUT GOD. His provision blows me away. Just today another $1,000 has come in. WOW!
But not just in the finances. In the multitude of ways he has grown and shaped us though out this process. How we have grown in trust and faith.
Things are still a little rocky for me on the anxiety ship but not near where they were even just 1 month ago. I am so thankful for a God who continues to love on me and point me in the right direction despite myself. He is so gracious and merciful. There really aren't enough words to articulate exactly how I am feeling.

As we begin our journey in a few hours I am counting on and believing God for even more growth as, (personally), I face my greatest fear (flying) to do His work. The work that I am truly honored to do to help further HIS Kingdom.

Won't you come along for the ride?

Blessings.