***Disclaimer~ this is written from a very raw place of an honest mother's heart. Please do not leave unkind comments if you disagree. These are my thoughts and feelings. If your experience with an older child has been vastly different, that is wonderful, however, these are my feelings. Please do not judge me for them. Thank you for your respect.
This post has been on my heart for months but I haven't been able to sit down and articulate it. Honestly, I am not sure I can even now.
Adoption is hard on a good day. On the day when that cute little 4 year old comes bounding over asking you to play the Minnie Matching game for the 10th time that week. That same little girl who you has been with you since she was 21 months old and had a smooth transition. Her first language was English, and the truth is, that even though this isn't how it should have been, she will never remember not being here. In fact, you have to remind yourself that she is adopted.
That little cute 4 year old with her minimal demands is easy to love. She can be scooped up effortlessly and soothed when her heart is broken. You can whisper in her ear while you hug and kiss the boo boos away that you love her, that God loves her and its all going to be OK. Because, in truth, it will be...in just 5 seconds.
This is NOT the case with an older child. And allow me to say for the record, that our 14 year old is pretty near a "perfect/normal/text book" case. However, she is still behind and while she is 14 in age, most of the time she acts like a 7-8 year old.
When you bring an older child into your home you are basically agreeing to a stranger coming to stay with you; permanently! Now, I don't know about you but when I have company or go and stay with family/friends, it is pretty much understood that a week at maximum is about all anyone can handle. And these are people you know, love and can communicate with. Imagine having someone come and stay with you who you only have minimal knowledge of at best, they don't speak the same language, they are in a completely different culture, different smells, sights etc., oh and they call you "MOM". On your absolute best day with this kid being the best case scenario, and lets face it, that is rare, this is so hard. The realization of just how selfish you really are can bring you to your knees, literally. It is almost impossible to explain, hence the reason I have struggled to write this post. And consider this, when you meet someone for the first time, yes things are slightly awkward but after a few more meetings the tension disappears because you get to know them. Why? Because you have conversations. You learn where their from, how they were raised, their likes and dislikes and on and on.
NOT SO!!!! We have had 7+ months of silence. Now don't get me wrong, we communicate on the most basic of levels but until this past week we knew virtually nothing about our daughter. Nothing about that is easy and of course this is not her fault. She has major trauma bottled up inside her. I can't even begin to imagine things from her perspective. And I've tried. If records are correct, she has now been abandoned TWICE!! Once by her birth parents and now her foster family. I cannot imagine going through it once. So, its possible she doesn't even believe this is permanent. She didn't want this, she didn't choose this, not really. She knew after months of convincing by foster mom and social worker that this was her only choice unless she wanted to go back to the welfare institute and that was the last thing she wanted. She knew (and we have the video) that the reason they were not keeping her was because there was not enough money. I don't know how to wrap my brain around that as an adult let alone being 13 and hearing those words. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not judging this mom. I am not walking her mile, so I have no idea the torment she may have gone through in trying to make this choice for Joy. However, I do know Chinese culture where this is concerned. There was never a chance they would have kept her. NEVER. That just isn't how things work over there. A foster child living with you equals a paycheck. And at 14 when that child has aged out of the system they return to the welfare institute (orphanage) and the paycheck stops.
It doesn't matter how much they loved her, she was never part of that family in the real sense that you and I know.
And I know now that Joy DID NOT want to be adopted. She DID NOT want to leave China. It was heartbreaking. Her opening up came out of the blue and took me by surprise completely. But I believe wholeheartedly this is very possibly the start of her healing. I know, for me, it brought me closer to her. I finally feel as though her trust in me (us) is building. This is so very important for our bonding because up to this point, I have just had a house guest for 7+ months. I now feel like she is a little closer to really thinking of me as her permanent mom and I couldn't be more thankful.
More to come...stay tuned.
Blessings.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Reflecting as Jenna Grace turns 4.
Our sweet baby girl turns 4 today.
Well, today is the date they gave her when she was found outside on the orphanage steps. She was just days old and so they guessed. Truth is it could have been yesterday or tomorrow or in 2 days. And while that isn't something I focus on, it is hard for me not to think about. 4 years ago JG was born into this world somewhere in China. She was abandoned (probably) because of the birthmark that covered part of her face. The birthmark that we don't even remember is there most of the time.
I think about her parents. Or maybe there was just a mom making this incredibly hard choice. Maybe she was single. Maybe she was all alone in this world with no support. Maybe she was sick. I am sure she was terrified. Most of all she was terrified of getting caught dumping her baby. There is a pretty stiff penalty for that, I am told. I can't even imagine feeling like you can't keep your baby. The very child you have felt growing inside of you for 9 months. I don't care who you are or how calloused you may have become, when life is blossoming, kicking and moving around, you are moved. When I carried my first child, I was not living in the best circumstances and had become a little rough around the edges. But feeling my baby kick. Seeing my growing abdomen, I was moved with a love and compassion that overflowed. And the moment he was born, everything was right with the world...even though it wasn't.
I do not judge this mama, this baba (chinese for daddy) for their choice. I pray for them. I feel for them. I ask God to reach them. I ask God to allow them to know, somehow underneath it all, that their precious baby girl is not just OK, but amazing. And she is.
Jenna Grace has literally lit up our lives. She is wonderful and happy, she is a joy to everyone who meets her. She has a smile that lights up any room she walks into. She is intelligent and has a deep desire to learn. Especially, it seems, about God. She talks about Him everyday. She asks questions that amaze me and I am learning to teach her straight from the same bible I read every day (thanks Shirley). I am thankful for all that I have learned about teaching, training and guiding my daughter for this 5th time around.
She loves Frozen, still (thank you Stacy), Mickey Mouse and Doc Mcstuffins. She loves to pretend she is a ballerina and had her first class at church last night. She likes the colors pink, purple and blue. She loves her brothers and sister but most of all she loves me and Brian. Morning snuggles with her Baba are the best and they never leave each other without a MUAH (big kiss). She prefers yoga pants and flip flops and prefers to wear her hair down. She is proud she can put on her own school shoes and wants to learn how to tie the laces on her converse. She loves to sing and make up songs and tell me she loves us about 100 times in a day. Her favorite food is Chick a Fay (Chick Fil A) and she would happily eat there everyday. Her best friends are Elsie, Hampton, Hansen and Waverly. She loves pre-school and being the boss.
Our best times are at night when we read God's word, pray and snuggle together as we rock. We talk about everything from being adopted into our family and us being adopted into God's. Our latest lesson is Romans 8:28 and learning that we need to seek God for HIS purpose for our lives and not our own.
I can't thank God enough for the blessing that adoption is in our lives. If you are not involved in orphan care ministry in some way, please look into how you can be. You may not feel called to adopt but you are called to DO something. Stop procrastinating and as Nike says JUST DO IT!
Blessings.
Well, today is the date they gave her when she was found outside on the orphanage steps. She was just days old and so they guessed. Truth is it could have been yesterday or tomorrow or in 2 days. And while that isn't something I focus on, it is hard for me not to think about. 4 years ago JG was born into this world somewhere in China. She was abandoned (probably) because of the birthmark that covered part of her face. The birthmark that we don't even remember is there most of the time.
I think about her parents. Or maybe there was just a mom making this incredibly hard choice. Maybe she was single. Maybe she was all alone in this world with no support. Maybe she was sick. I am sure she was terrified. Most of all she was terrified of getting caught dumping her baby. There is a pretty stiff penalty for that, I am told. I can't even imagine feeling like you can't keep your baby. The very child you have felt growing inside of you for 9 months. I don't care who you are or how calloused you may have become, when life is blossoming, kicking and moving around, you are moved. When I carried my first child, I was not living in the best circumstances and had become a little rough around the edges. But feeling my baby kick. Seeing my growing abdomen, I was moved with a love and compassion that overflowed. And the moment he was born, everything was right with the world...even though it wasn't.
I do not judge this mama, this baba (chinese for daddy) for their choice. I pray for them. I feel for them. I ask God to reach them. I ask God to allow them to know, somehow underneath it all, that their precious baby girl is not just OK, but amazing. And she is.
Jenna Grace has literally lit up our lives. She is wonderful and happy, she is a joy to everyone who meets her. She has a smile that lights up any room she walks into. She is intelligent and has a deep desire to learn. Especially, it seems, about God. She talks about Him everyday. She asks questions that amaze me and I am learning to teach her straight from the same bible I read every day (thanks Shirley). I am thankful for all that I have learned about teaching, training and guiding my daughter for this 5th time around.
She loves Frozen, still (thank you Stacy), Mickey Mouse and Doc Mcstuffins. She loves to pretend she is a ballerina and had her first class at church last night. She likes the colors pink, purple and blue. She loves her brothers and sister but most of all she loves me and Brian. Morning snuggles with her Baba are the best and they never leave each other without a MUAH (big kiss). She prefers yoga pants and flip flops and prefers to wear her hair down. She is proud she can put on her own school shoes and wants to learn how to tie the laces on her converse. She loves to sing and make up songs and tell me she loves us about 100 times in a day. Her favorite food is Chick a Fay (Chick Fil A) and she would happily eat there everyday. Her best friends are Elsie, Hampton, Hansen and Waverly. She loves pre-school and being the boss.
Our best times are at night when we read God's word, pray and snuggle together as we rock. We talk about everything from being adopted into our family and us being adopted into God's. Our latest lesson is Romans 8:28 and learning that we need to seek God for HIS purpose for our lives and not our own.
I can't thank God enough for the blessing that adoption is in our lives. If you are not involved in orphan care ministry in some way, please look into how you can be. You may not feel called to adopt but you are called to DO something. Stop procrastinating and as Nike says JUST DO IT!
Blessings.
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| Easter |
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| My cutie in braids. |
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| This just shows how silly and funny she can be. And that smile... |
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| This was just taken a couple of weeks ago. Not 3 anymore but too cute not to post. |
Monday, August 31, 2015
A little slice of heaven
I saw you last night. You were in my dreams. You were as real as you could be. So clear. I stepped closer and placed my hands on your shoulders. I looked at you, knowing in my heart this could be the last time I see you for a while. You hair was exactly the same as when you left us. I studied you so closely. I traced every line on your face, I looked into your eyes and our eyes held each other. It was the most beautiful moment.
I woke this morning with the deepest ache after seeing my mom in my dreams. This was unlike any other time.
Most of time she is still sick, or we are going somewhere or doing something but this time she was just standing there. There were no words between us. I can't tell you what she was wearing, all I can tell you is she was so real to me. I remember thinking in my dream, this is the 5 more minutes I have always wanted. Even as I type I can't stop the tears as my heart aches at her loss and I grieve for her.
As I had time with the Lord this morning I let the tears flow. Healing tears. Tears that bring peace and comfort because He is near to the brokenhearted. I prayed for everyone today where ever they are grieving a loss this big. Grieving a potential loss because sickness has invaded their family the way it once invaded mine. It was so therapeutic.
Time is never a healer of these things but God always is. I encourage you, if this is you today, cry out to God in your brokenness. He hears you. He is sympathetic to us. The word says he keeps count of our tossings; and puts our tears in His bottle...Ps. 56:8
Isn't that amazing? How precious that is to think the God of this universe sees and keeps record of me and you!
So thankful for the the joy that brings. Seek Him today and you will be able to choose joy despite the mourning.
Blessings.
I woke this morning with the deepest ache after seeing my mom in my dreams. This was unlike any other time.
Most of time she is still sick, or we are going somewhere or doing something but this time she was just standing there. There were no words between us. I can't tell you what she was wearing, all I can tell you is she was so real to me. I remember thinking in my dream, this is the 5 more minutes I have always wanted. Even as I type I can't stop the tears as my heart aches at her loss and I grieve for her.
As I had time with the Lord this morning I let the tears flow. Healing tears. Tears that bring peace and comfort because He is near to the brokenhearted. I prayed for everyone today where ever they are grieving a loss this big. Grieving a potential loss because sickness has invaded their family the way it once invaded mine. It was so therapeutic.
Time is never a healer of these things but God always is. I encourage you, if this is you today, cry out to God in your brokenness. He hears you. He is sympathetic to us. The word says he keeps count of our tossings; and puts our tears in His bottle...Ps. 56:8
Isn't that amazing? How precious that is to think the God of this universe sees and keeps record of me and you!
So thankful for the the joy that brings. Seek Him today and you will be able to choose joy despite the mourning.
Blessings.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
The beginning of the end...for baby number 2
Of course he isn't my baby anymore and he would probably kill me for the reference, however they will all always be my babies. I will never apologize for that.
Jackson and Jayden started back to school today. And for Jackson, as a senior, it marks the beginning of this first "end".
The roller coaster that we, as a family have been on the past 4 months could fill pages and pages of this blog. But silence is what I have chosen as I, mom am processing and working through all the overwhelming emotion.
Knowing that I will graduate two kids back to back was tearing me up inside at one point over the summer. It was all I could do not to crawl into the fetal position, put my thumb in my mouth and commit myself.
But then they went on their very first mission trip to Nicaragua. Things changed for everyone. Their hearts and mine. They both grew up a little more and so did their mama. God filled me to overflowing in my heart and convicted me to my core about things that HAVE to change in my life. And those changes are beginning. Slowly, but they will be changed.
But back to that kid, you know, the second baby...erm...I mean son of mine.
When Jackson was in utero at just about 10 weeks things were not going well. They told us that according to the blood work he had already died and they wanted to do a DNC. Well, Brian wasn't having that and he laid hands on me and prayed. 3 hours later in the doctors office we heard his heart beat, which we were told would be near impossible because I wasn't far enough along. And just 7 or so months later Jackson was born weighing in at 9lbs 4oz. He came kicking and screaming, with an extra thumb on his left hand and has been a pistol ever since. He has a passion and drive that inspires me. He has been on fire for God since he was about 10 and has never looked back. He works and plays hard. He is as loyal as the day is long and he loves his family. As I write this I am overcome with emotion. I spend most of my days this way and it isn't a bad thing. I am so thankful we have come this far. There are thousands of parents across our globe who haven't been given 18 years with their kids. I am thankful for every day. I am thankful for every single school year even though I know it takes me closer to them moving out and potentially away. I am thankful for children who are following after the will of God and not their own. I am thankful Jackson and Jayden know all these things that I did not at this age.
We do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know the choice that I have right now here in this moment. And that is to hold fast to the truth of God's word because it is unchanging. So even though change is coming for Jackson this senior year my prayer is he too, will hold onto the unfailing, unchanging God because that is the only thing that will get him through everything and anything that comes his way today and in the years to come.
We love you Jackson and are so proud of you! Have a great senior year!!!!!
Jackson and Jayden started back to school today. And for Jackson, as a senior, it marks the beginning of this first "end".
The roller coaster that we, as a family have been on the past 4 months could fill pages and pages of this blog. But silence is what I have chosen as I, mom am processing and working through all the overwhelming emotion.
Knowing that I will graduate two kids back to back was tearing me up inside at one point over the summer. It was all I could do not to crawl into the fetal position, put my thumb in my mouth and commit myself.
But then they went on their very first mission trip to Nicaragua. Things changed for everyone. Their hearts and mine. They both grew up a little more and so did their mama. God filled me to overflowing in my heart and convicted me to my core about things that HAVE to change in my life. And those changes are beginning. Slowly, but they will be changed.
But back to that kid, you know, the second baby...erm...I mean son of mine.
When Jackson was in utero at just about 10 weeks things were not going well. They told us that according to the blood work he had already died and they wanted to do a DNC. Well, Brian wasn't having that and he laid hands on me and prayed. 3 hours later in the doctors office we heard his heart beat, which we were told would be near impossible because I wasn't far enough along. And just 7 or so months later Jackson was born weighing in at 9lbs 4oz. He came kicking and screaming, with an extra thumb on his left hand and has been a pistol ever since. He has a passion and drive that inspires me. He has been on fire for God since he was about 10 and has never looked back. He works and plays hard. He is as loyal as the day is long and he loves his family. As I write this I am overcome with emotion. I spend most of my days this way and it isn't a bad thing. I am so thankful we have come this far. There are thousands of parents across our globe who haven't been given 18 years with their kids. I am thankful for every day. I am thankful for every single school year even though I know it takes me closer to them moving out and potentially away. I am thankful for children who are following after the will of God and not their own. I am thankful Jackson and Jayden know all these things that I did not at this age.
We do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know the choice that I have right now here in this moment. And that is to hold fast to the truth of God's word because it is unchanging. So even though change is coming for Jackson this senior year my prayer is he too, will hold onto the unfailing, unchanging God because that is the only thing that will get him through everything and anything that comes his way today and in the years to come.
We love you Jackson and are so proud of you! Have a great senior year!!!!!
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| First day of preschool with his friend Kaylie (still in touch today) |
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| He and Jonah at Jack's 5th birthday. Still friends today. |
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| Getting senior pics done. I smiled so big that morning. |
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| First day as a senior. Jay is a junior. My heart is full. |
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
The one whom my soul loves...
"Please." I begged. We were on our second date. I remember it like it was yesterday. A quick lunch between shifts at our respective pizza restaurants. Applebees in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. I was 21, he was 25. We both had pasts that would make you shudder. At the time of said lunch he was engaged and I was dating at least 3 other guys. I came with toddler in tow which made me a ready made family, just add a husband.
"Please." I begged again. He looked at me, shook his head and smiled. That smile would be my undoing. Laying on the table in front of me scribbled on a napkin was his last name. "Say it" he said. "Come on, it isn't that hard." I stared back unable to keep from smiling. I whined. "I can't. " He laughed, "Just try." I stared at the letters. MACIASZEK. What? How do I even start to say this name. If I say it and I get it wrong will he think I am unintelligent? I like him so much. What's not to like? He was better looking than any other guy who had ever even looked my way, he was smart and funny, oh my goodness was he funny. He made me laugh in a way no one can even to this day. He was tender and he had a strength about him that told me he was going to do big things one day. I felt safe just sitting with him. At that moment I couldn't imagine him not being in my life.
"MA..." I paused. "Uh-huh." he teased. The twinkle in his eye let me know he was having way too much fun at my expense. "Nope, can't do it." I said. Finally, he relented and told me how to say it.
If I had a nickel for every time I have said it, repeated it and spelled it I would be able to fund more adoptions with no fundraising.
Just 8 short weeks later I was standing in my bedroom half dressed waiting for my wedding to start.
"Is he here yet?" I asked anyone who would listen. "No." someone yelled from the other room. We were supposed to get married downstairs in my parent's garage in 30 minutes. My mom had been begging me to get dressed but I refused. I was so afraid he wouldn't show up and didn't want to go to all that trouble just in case. Meanwhile, Jared, who was 20 months at the time was downstairs all gussied up in his suit causing trouble wherever he walked.
"He's here!" I heard someone yell. Here we go, I thought.
20 minutes later I began my very short walk down the aisle only to ask myself if I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know this man from Adam, sure he's super attractive and makes me laugh and oh yeah, the sex is good too but is that enough? What makes a marriage?
We both came from train wreck marriages. There isn't enough time or space to talk about everything that we witnessed from our own parent's marriages. But lets put it this way, none of it was pretty. We didn't have one thing to start us off on the right foot. And it didn't help that his groomsman and several of my friends told us we didn't have a prayer. I actually had an ex-boyfriend call me to say please call me in 6 months when its over. WOW.
So, I guess it really came as no surprise to anyone that just about 3 months later I found myself at my mom's back door screaming and crying and wanting to call a lawyer. All the truths of who we both were caught up with us and we didn't like what we discovered. It was ugly at best! My mom sat me down and told me that running away and getting a divorce is not the answer. That with God's help we could work through this. I didn't want to hear any of it. She begged me, please go to counseling she said. They can help you. Yeah right! I told her I would make her a deal, if she could convince Brian to go then OK.
"So, what gives you the right to tell us what to do and how to change." I spouted to the couple who sat across from us. Mom had convinced Brian to attend counseling. He later told me he agreed to one session but that was it.
Chuck and Betty sat wide eyed and I am sure were dying with laughter on the inside as I gave them the evil eye. Had I only known the extent of their own pasts, I am sure my judgmental attitude would have given me right to flee the building. Thankfully, God saw fit to keep some of that concealed until my heart was a little more soft.
I pretty much opened up my own can of worms that day taking on an attitude like that. They tore me a new one and Brian was so happy about it he agreed to come back. Little did he know they were going to tear him up the next week. By then however, we agreed divorce wasn't the answer and agreed to keep coming. We went pretty regularly for about a year. After that it was more for maintenance. You know, like a car.
We got better as people and our marriage began to grow.
However, at year 7 it took a hit and I didn't think we would make it.
Brian had begun working for a new company that was franchising new restaurants. We were part of the venture and so it was his responsibility for getting them open. Before training began he was working all hours and gone all the time. I had three small kids at home and a little part time job. I felt like a single mom and was battling depression. Before we knew what was happening he was clocking 60, then 70 and finally 80 hours some weeks. I was a wreck. He was a wreck. We were on auto-pilot. I had been battling depression and it became so severe I sought treatment for a week in patient. It ended up being the best decision I ever made but I was still working through things. Brian had been so amazing and supportive but the demands of his job took him away more and more our marriage began to suffer. Then the fire came. He had to leave for training for 6 weeks in Virginia. About 3/4 of the way through it they flew me out to see him. It was awful. I remember it like it was yesterday. I couldn't hide the way I felt about him or the way things were going. "I am not in love with you anymore." We were at the airport. My timing was terrible. My plane was leaving in an hour. "OK." he said. What did I expect him to do with that information? "I can't live this way, I can't do this. I am all alone in this life. I'm sorry." I had nothing. I was completely falling apart on the inside. I knew I had just crushed him into a thousand pieces and I couldn't take it back. So, I got on the plane and I left. About a week later he came home and everything between us had changed. Monotone. We went through the motions and never talked about anything except what we had to. Until one night when my whole world really came crashing down.
As with most business men back in the early 2000's Brian had a palm pilot. Sorry if you don't know what one is, I don't have time to explain. He kept his contacts, calendar and got his email on it. There I just explained. Anyway, like all computer type thingys it also had games. I liked to play solitaire and one night when I couldn't sleep I began to play. After several minutes I was bored and began looking at other applications on his device. I got to his email. I started scrolling and suddenly my heart began to pound and my body began to shake. What was I seeing? What was I reading? There was someone else? This quickly? What? Who is she? Where is she from? I was reading and reading and another woman was using affectionate terms towards my husband. I lost it. I didn't know which end was up. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. What do I do with this? How could he? Wait. What did I expect? I had pushed him away for months. I had told him I didn't love him anymore. While this didn't justify his behavior, I knew my part.
The details of that night aren't necessary but suffice it to say he left.
I tossed and turned the entire night. I cried and cried. I had never felt more alone. I would like to tell you that I cried out to God but I don't remember. I remember being numb and terrified that my marriage was over.
"So before we take one step further or Betty and I give you one word of counsel, I have one question." We were back with Chuck and Betty, our faithful counselors. Only because of the seriousness of the situation we were at their house, after hours. We looked back at Chuck and just said, "OK."
"Are you here because you genuinely want to save your marriage?" Chuck asked.
We both hesitated but truthfully there wasn't a doubt in our minds. "YES."
I was screaming on the inside for help. I wanted my husband. I did not want to face a life without him. And not just for sake of our children but for us.
That night began another round of healing. God has taken us through several of these. I wish I could sit here and say it has been smooth sailing ever since but it hasn't. We have wanted to quit so many times I have lost count. Some days it seems easier to give up. But it isn't.
Here we are, 20 years, 5 kids and if I had the time to write it, a book full of God stories and how he has grown and shaped us over all this time. The pain had to happen. It stretched us. It took us to places we know we never could have gotten to without it.
Be encouraged no matter what you may be facing in your own marriage. Know that, with God's help you can keep going. And I don't mean in a monotone-just-tolerating-each other way. You can really be in love and be friends and enjoy each other. This is what God wants. If you are going through the motions, stop! Be intentional with each other. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. Make sure your kids come second (don't bash me please) because as amazing as kids are, they grow up and move away and you are stuck with each other. Make being stuck with each other a great thing. I am so looking forward to being "stuck" with Brian in about 15 years when JG has graduated.
I truly love him and love being with him more than any other person on the planet. I will take an evening with him over a girls night out any day of the year! He is gracious and patient with me. He teaches me so much and I want to be better because of him. He loves me passionately and even though I am getting older, there are a few more lines on my face and inches to my waist line he thinks I am hot! He is so dedicated to our family and more importantly to God's will for our family. He pushes me and inspires me everyday.
"Please." I begged again. He looked at me, shook his head and smiled. That smile would be my undoing. Laying on the table in front of me scribbled on a napkin was his last name. "Say it" he said. "Come on, it isn't that hard." I stared back unable to keep from smiling. I whined. "I can't. " He laughed, "Just try." I stared at the letters. MACIASZEK. What? How do I even start to say this name. If I say it and I get it wrong will he think I am unintelligent? I like him so much. What's not to like? He was better looking than any other guy who had ever even looked my way, he was smart and funny, oh my goodness was he funny. He made me laugh in a way no one can even to this day. He was tender and he had a strength about him that told me he was going to do big things one day. I felt safe just sitting with him. At that moment I couldn't imagine him not being in my life.
"MA..." I paused. "Uh-huh." he teased. The twinkle in his eye let me know he was having way too much fun at my expense. "Nope, can't do it." I said. Finally, he relented and told me how to say it.
If I had a nickel for every time I have said it, repeated it and spelled it I would be able to fund more adoptions with no fundraising.
Just 8 short weeks later I was standing in my bedroom half dressed waiting for my wedding to start.
"Is he here yet?" I asked anyone who would listen. "No." someone yelled from the other room. We were supposed to get married downstairs in my parent's garage in 30 minutes. My mom had been begging me to get dressed but I refused. I was so afraid he wouldn't show up and didn't want to go to all that trouble just in case. Meanwhile, Jared, who was 20 months at the time was downstairs all gussied up in his suit causing trouble wherever he walked.
"He's here!" I heard someone yell. Here we go, I thought.
20 minutes later I began my very short walk down the aisle only to ask myself if I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know this man from Adam, sure he's super attractive and makes me laugh and oh yeah, the sex is good too but is that enough? What makes a marriage?
We both came from train wreck marriages. There isn't enough time or space to talk about everything that we witnessed from our own parent's marriages. But lets put it this way, none of it was pretty. We didn't have one thing to start us off on the right foot. And it didn't help that his groomsman and several of my friends told us we didn't have a prayer. I actually had an ex-boyfriend call me to say please call me in 6 months when its over. WOW.
So, I guess it really came as no surprise to anyone that just about 3 months later I found myself at my mom's back door screaming and crying and wanting to call a lawyer. All the truths of who we both were caught up with us and we didn't like what we discovered. It was ugly at best! My mom sat me down and told me that running away and getting a divorce is not the answer. That with God's help we could work through this. I didn't want to hear any of it. She begged me, please go to counseling she said. They can help you. Yeah right! I told her I would make her a deal, if she could convince Brian to go then OK.
"So, what gives you the right to tell us what to do and how to change." I spouted to the couple who sat across from us. Mom had convinced Brian to attend counseling. He later told me he agreed to one session but that was it.
Chuck and Betty sat wide eyed and I am sure were dying with laughter on the inside as I gave them the evil eye. Had I only known the extent of their own pasts, I am sure my judgmental attitude would have given me right to flee the building. Thankfully, God saw fit to keep some of that concealed until my heart was a little more soft.
I pretty much opened up my own can of worms that day taking on an attitude like that. They tore me a new one and Brian was so happy about it he agreed to come back. Little did he know they were going to tear him up the next week. By then however, we agreed divorce wasn't the answer and agreed to keep coming. We went pretty regularly for about a year. After that it was more for maintenance. You know, like a car.
We got better as people and our marriage began to grow.
However, at year 7 it took a hit and I didn't think we would make it.
Brian had begun working for a new company that was franchising new restaurants. We were part of the venture and so it was his responsibility for getting them open. Before training began he was working all hours and gone all the time. I had three small kids at home and a little part time job. I felt like a single mom and was battling depression. Before we knew what was happening he was clocking 60, then 70 and finally 80 hours some weeks. I was a wreck. He was a wreck. We were on auto-pilot. I had been battling depression and it became so severe I sought treatment for a week in patient. It ended up being the best decision I ever made but I was still working through things. Brian had been so amazing and supportive but the demands of his job took him away more and more our marriage began to suffer. Then the fire came. He had to leave for training for 6 weeks in Virginia. About 3/4 of the way through it they flew me out to see him. It was awful. I remember it like it was yesterday. I couldn't hide the way I felt about him or the way things were going. "I am not in love with you anymore." We were at the airport. My timing was terrible. My plane was leaving in an hour. "OK." he said. What did I expect him to do with that information? "I can't live this way, I can't do this. I am all alone in this life. I'm sorry." I had nothing. I was completely falling apart on the inside. I knew I had just crushed him into a thousand pieces and I couldn't take it back. So, I got on the plane and I left. About a week later he came home and everything between us had changed. Monotone. We went through the motions and never talked about anything except what we had to. Until one night when my whole world really came crashing down.
As with most business men back in the early 2000's Brian had a palm pilot. Sorry if you don't know what one is, I don't have time to explain. He kept his contacts, calendar and got his email on it. There I just explained. Anyway, like all computer type thingys it also had games. I liked to play solitaire and one night when I couldn't sleep I began to play. After several minutes I was bored and began looking at other applications on his device. I got to his email. I started scrolling and suddenly my heart began to pound and my body began to shake. What was I seeing? What was I reading? There was someone else? This quickly? What? Who is she? Where is she from? I was reading and reading and another woman was using affectionate terms towards my husband. I lost it. I didn't know which end was up. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. What do I do with this? How could he? Wait. What did I expect? I had pushed him away for months. I had told him I didn't love him anymore. While this didn't justify his behavior, I knew my part.
The details of that night aren't necessary but suffice it to say he left.
I tossed and turned the entire night. I cried and cried. I had never felt more alone. I would like to tell you that I cried out to God but I don't remember. I remember being numb and terrified that my marriage was over.
"So before we take one step further or Betty and I give you one word of counsel, I have one question." We were back with Chuck and Betty, our faithful counselors. Only because of the seriousness of the situation we were at their house, after hours. We looked back at Chuck and just said, "OK."
"Are you here because you genuinely want to save your marriage?" Chuck asked.
We both hesitated but truthfully there wasn't a doubt in our minds. "YES."
I was screaming on the inside for help. I wanted my husband. I did not want to face a life without him. And not just for sake of our children but for us.
That night began another round of healing. God has taken us through several of these. I wish I could sit here and say it has been smooth sailing ever since but it hasn't. We have wanted to quit so many times I have lost count. Some days it seems easier to give up. But it isn't.
Here we are, 20 years, 5 kids and if I had the time to write it, a book full of God stories and how he has grown and shaped us over all this time. The pain had to happen. It stretched us. It took us to places we know we never could have gotten to without it.
Be encouraged no matter what you may be facing in your own marriage. Know that, with God's help you can keep going. And I don't mean in a monotone-just-tolerating-each other way. You can really be in love and be friends and enjoy each other. This is what God wants. If you are going through the motions, stop! Be intentional with each other. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. Make sure your kids come second (don't bash me please) because as amazing as kids are, they grow up and move away and you are stuck with each other. Make being stuck with each other a great thing. I am so looking forward to being "stuck" with Brian in about 15 years when JG has graduated.
I truly love him and love being with him more than any other person on the planet. I will take an evening with him over a girls night out any day of the year! He is gracious and patient with me. He teaches me so much and I want to be better because of him. He loves me passionately and even though I am getting older, there are a few more lines on my face and inches to my waist line he thinks I am hot! He is so dedicated to our family and more importantly to God's will for our family. He pushes me and inspires me everyday.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!!!!
HERE'S TO 20+ MORE. I LOVE YOU!!!
Monday, April 20, 2015
The Struggle is Real
The dark is consuming me with negative thoughts and feelings as I struggle to stay asleep. The "what ifs" are now plaguing me in another way.
Joy is here now. Does she wish she weren't? What if she hates every meal I've put in front of her thus far? What if she is screaming on the inside like I am? What if her pain is so great and there are no words because the language barrier is so vast? What if I can't rise up against all the selfishness in my heart? What if I can't help my daughter heal? What if, what if, what if...? I already feel like I am going in sane.
One day at a time. One moment at a time if I must. This is the path I must stay on. Reminding myself that God says DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW!!! Only today. OK, I tell myself. What is going on today? A friend suggested I write out one goal a day so I don't try and take on too much. I feel so lame. I don't ask for help well. I want my weakness to shine God's strength. Yet feel I can't even do that right. He is so much more than I can ever be on my own, Thank GOD. I glance at my wrist that reminds me everyday I AM is enough. HE IS!
I am reminded the jet lag and time change are still ravaging the three of us and I am always more emotional when I'm tired. My Aunt, who is more like a mom to me has been a rock these first few days home and she just left. I am reeling. No matter what there is no support like family support.
As Joy hands me the translating device I can't help but think how frustrated she must be. This is the third attempt trying to make me understand what she needs. I look and say "I don't know", she repeats, "I don't know?" The struggle is real.
On the upside, the honeymoon phase is in full swing. She loves her sister and JG loves her. They play together constantly. Joy is sweet and loving. She says "I love you". Is already figuring out how to get her own water out of the fridge door. HA!! Such a first world thing. I taught her to put her plate and silverware in the dishwasher and all the while wish I could get in her head and see what she is thinking about all these new experiences.
There is so much to do between all the doctors appointments that are looming, ESL that will hopefully start this week, and the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head of how I can help her even more. This doesn't include just being a halfway decent wife to B, of which I want to be more than half, mom to my other 4 kids and their needs. Can I do it all? Right now, I don't feel like I can. But I have to remember, God has always told me I will be equipped when I need equipping. So, one foot in front of the other, one day at time, one appointment at a time, one need at a time. His mercies are new every morning. He is so faithful when I am so faithless. I am so thankful and my heart is truly full.
Blessings.
Joy is here now. Does she wish she weren't? What if she hates every meal I've put in front of her thus far? What if she is screaming on the inside like I am? What if her pain is so great and there are no words because the language barrier is so vast? What if I can't rise up against all the selfishness in my heart? What if I can't help my daughter heal? What if, what if, what if...? I already feel like I am going in sane.
One day at a time. One moment at a time if I must. This is the path I must stay on. Reminding myself that God says DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW!!! Only today. OK, I tell myself. What is going on today? A friend suggested I write out one goal a day so I don't try and take on too much. I feel so lame. I don't ask for help well. I want my weakness to shine God's strength. Yet feel I can't even do that right. He is so much more than I can ever be on my own, Thank GOD. I glance at my wrist that reminds me everyday I AM is enough. HE IS!
I am reminded the jet lag and time change are still ravaging the three of us and I am always more emotional when I'm tired. My Aunt, who is more like a mom to me has been a rock these first few days home and she just left. I am reeling. No matter what there is no support like family support.
As Joy hands me the translating device I can't help but think how frustrated she must be. This is the third attempt trying to make me understand what she needs. I look and say "I don't know", she repeats, "I don't know?" The struggle is real.
On the upside, the honeymoon phase is in full swing. She loves her sister and JG loves her. They play together constantly. Joy is sweet and loving. She says "I love you". Is already figuring out how to get her own water out of the fridge door. HA!! Such a first world thing. I taught her to put her plate and silverware in the dishwasher and all the while wish I could get in her head and see what she is thinking about all these new experiences.
There is so much to do between all the doctors appointments that are looming, ESL that will hopefully start this week, and the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head of how I can help her even more. This doesn't include just being a halfway decent wife to B, of which I want to be more than half, mom to my other 4 kids and their needs. Can I do it all? Right now, I don't feel like I can. But I have to remember, God has always told me I will be equipped when I need equipping. So, one foot in front of the other, one day at time, one appointment at a time, one need at a time. His mercies are new every morning. He is so faithful when I am so faithless. I am so thankful and my heart is truly full.
Blessings.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The Joys of adoption
Last post before coming home.
Today was a fun and pretty uneventful day.
We had our oath swearing at the consulate this morning at dawn. Not really, but it felt like it. Everything went really smoothly and Joy made friends with all the littles while we were there. I know she misses her foster brother so much. I am hoping JG will ease the pain a little once we are home.
We got back so early in the morning it was a little tricky wondering what to do the rest of the day.
So I taught her the game of UNO and in less than five minutes she had her strategy down and we were laughing our heads off.
I figured after 10 days in China I deserved (not really deserved) some pampering so I went for a mani/pedi. I tried to convince Joy but she wasn't having anything to do with it. She and her daddy went for lunch instead.
UNO took up the rest of the afternoon with so much laughing my face hurt and I gained some new eye wrinkles.
This evening was spent on the Pearl River Cruise which Joy loved. She spent the majority talking to our guide, Joyce. Can't say I blame her. She knows talking to other Chinese people will be minimal once we are home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we first started this process and were looking through the long heartbreaking list of children (minus photos) waiting for families there were 2 I was drawn to immediately. A little girl with a similar birthmark to JG (more severe) who is 4 and Joy who at the time was 12 (she turned 13 a week after). I wrestled for a short time just knowing that little four year old would be adopted bc of her age but that Joy had almost no chance at all. So after a few more weeks of wrestling (mainly bc of Joy's age) and wondering if this could be right for our family, a family meeting, prayer and asking for "a sign" (just kidding) we said yes knowing God opens and shuts doors no man can open and shut. We trusted that if it wasn't right He would be clear.
The day after we arrived in Guangzhou we had to meet our guide along with other Holt (our agency) families for our medical check/visa stuff.
As soon as we rounded the corner of the lobby there she was, that little 4 year old girl with the birthmark similar to JG!! I almost fell over. I have been in awe of God in so many ways but this took the cake. It's not astounding that she was adopted. But do you have any idea what kind of odds had to be in play for her to be in our exact group? There is no way I ever would have known otherwise...But God...
The emotion surrounding that one incident alone will forever play over and over in my head.
I encourage you whatever it is you feel led to do but aren't sure, just take steps. God WILL direct. He WILL guide. He WILL calm your fears. But most of all He WILL walk with you every step of the way and beyond. And if you're afraid (and trust me I understand that!), DO IT afraid.
God's hand is clearly evident in this situation. In all situations like this. In just one short week this not so little girl says "mommy, daddy, baba, I love you" and kisses me and her daddy on the cheek. She laughs and acts silly. Doesn't shy away from learning new words in English. She is clearly comfortable. I know there is lots of heartache and heartbreak. There will be difficult times but love always wins. Always. Because Jesus is love and we get to be His hands and feet. And hopefully because we are, Joy will find her joy in the Jesus who not only brought her the forever family she didn't know she needed but also joy in accepting the truth of His love that will save her soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please pray for our very long travel day on Thursday. It starts at 4am and we will land in Raleigh at approximately 9:30pm. Here are specific requests: Pray for no motion sickness for Joy. Her heart as she leaves the country she loves and meets a new family/friends who already love her so much. For us all to sleep on the plane and for zero anxiety for me. Thank you again for being on this journey with us.
Until we see you all again on American soil...blessings. We love you!!
Today was a fun and pretty uneventful day.
We had our oath swearing at the consulate this morning at dawn. Not really, but it felt like it. Everything went really smoothly and Joy made friends with all the littles while we were there. I know she misses her foster brother so much. I am hoping JG will ease the pain a little once we are home.
We got back so early in the morning it was a little tricky wondering what to do the rest of the day.
So I taught her the game of UNO and in less than five minutes she had her strategy down and we were laughing our heads off.
I figured after 10 days in China I deserved (not really deserved) some pampering so I went for a mani/pedi. I tried to convince Joy but she wasn't having anything to do with it. She and her daddy went for lunch instead.
UNO took up the rest of the afternoon with so much laughing my face hurt and I gained some new eye wrinkles.
This evening was spent on the Pearl River Cruise which Joy loved. She spent the majority talking to our guide, Joyce. Can't say I blame her. She knows talking to other Chinese people will be minimal once we are home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we first started this process and were looking through the long heartbreaking list of children (minus photos) waiting for families there were 2 I was drawn to immediately. A little girl with a similar birthmark to JG (more severe) who is 4 and Joy who at the time was 12 (she turned 13 a week after). I wrestled for a short time just knowing that little four year old would be adopted bc of her age but that Joy had almost no chance at all. So after a few more weeks of wrestling (mainly bc of Joy's age) and wondering if this could be right for our family, a family meeting, prayer and asking for "a sign" (just kidding) we said yes knowing God opens and shuts doors no man can open and shut. We trusted that if it wasn't right He would be clear.
The day after we arrived in Guangzhou we had to meet our guide along with other Holt (our agency) families for our medical check/visa stuff.
As soon as we rounded the corner of the lobby there she was, that little 4 year old girl with the birthmark similar to JG!! I almost fell over. I have been in awe of God in so many ways but this took the cake. It's not astounding that she was adopted. But do you have any idea what kind of odds had to be in play for her to be in our exact group? There is no way I ever would have known otherwise...But God...
The emotion surrounding that one incident alone will forever play over and over in my head.
I encourage you whatever it is you feel led to do but aren't sure, just take steps. God WILL direct. He WILL guide. He WILL calm your fears. But most of all He WILL walk with you every step of the way and beyond. And if you're afraid (and trust me I understand that!), DO IT afraid.
God's hand is clearly evident in this situation. In all situations like this. In just one short week this not so little girl says "mommy, daddy, baba, I love you" and kisses me and her daddy on the cheek. She laughs and acts silly. Doesn't shy away from learning new words in English. She is clearly comfortable. I know there is lots of heartache and heartbreak. There will be difficult times but love always wins. Always. Because Jesus is love and we get to be His hands and feet. And hopefully because we are, Joy will find her joy in the Jesus who not only brought her the forever family she didn't know she needed but also joy in accepting the truth of His love that will save her soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please pray for our very long travel day on Thursday. It starts at 4am and we will land in Raleigh at approximately 9:30pm. Here are specific requests: Pray for no motion sickness for Joy. Her heart as she leaves the country she loves and meets a new family/friends who already love her so much. For us all to sleep on the plane and for zero anxiety for me. Thank you again for being on this journey with us.
Until we see you all again on American soil...blessings. We love you!!
Saturday, April 11, 2015
What a JOY
The whole process up to this point has been amazing. The prayers of a righteous man/woman avails much and it is evident that a lot of righteous people have been praying for us. We can't thank you enough. We have always stated the prayers mean more than the money and after this past week I stand by that statement more than ever!
There are two main things about our girl that we have noticed right off the bat. She can eat and sleep. Typical teen I guess. Friday morning, after another restless night for me (Rachel) I ended up sleeping until almost 11. When I prodded her to get up just a few minutes later she was pretty resistant.
And man, can the girl eat. I don't know if it is because she has never had this many choices in her life or if this is how she has always been but either way, she eats as much as Brian.
Friday we checked out of our hotel in Nanning and began the trip to Guangzhou. At the airport Joy made a call to her foster mom which brought on a lot of tears but that was nothing compared to saying good bye to our guide, Jane. Jane has known Joy since last May and throughout all this time of preparing her to be adopted they have gotten very close. Plus, while we were in Nanning, Jane was our life line for translation. She broke down and sobbed when saying good bye to Jane. It was heartbreaking. She quickly pulled out of it though and once on board the plane she could barely contain her excitement. We let her sit in the window seat and it was absolutely precious to see just how happy she was about the whole thing. She even turned to me at one point and "mommy, this make me so happy". Of course, I teared up at that. She loved every minute of that flight until we landed and then she got really sick. Thank goodness she didn't throw up but told us she was close. Please pray for that specifically, she gets car sick really easily also. Once we got to the hotel she was a ball of excitement all over again. She started running around the hotel room and pointing to everything and laughing and giggling. It was so amazing to watch. So much we take for granted. I am sure she has never seen anything so nice in her whole life.
Today was a super early start. We had to meet in the lobby at 930 in order to go get visa pictures done and the medical check. This time around the medical check wasn't like a cattle call. There were only about 10 other adoptive families so things went pretty quick. Joy had to have 3 shots, a blood draw, ENT visit, physical and eye check. All were perfect except her eyes. Poor girl is blind as bat. We suspected the minute we got her because she squinted so much but today it was confirmed and its pretty bad. That appointment is the first on the list when we get back.
The rest of today was pretty hum drum. Since I didn't get even 5 minutes sleep last night I needed to lay down which was good for her too. Lucky Brian got to do the paperwork appointment which is basically just Holt helping him make sure he can get through immigration when we land.
Tonight after dinner we walked around the hotel and found a Foosball table. We spent about 45 minutes playing and it was the most fun we've had up to this point. She laughed and laughed which was a priceless sound.
Please continue to pray. We still have 5 days left and I am struggling the most. I've already spent 2 days sick and I am missing JG more than I can even articulate. I know she is doing well and I am not worried about her at all. Just sad. I know I have to focus on right now, its just hard.
Thank you again for coming alongside us. We could NEVER do this without you all. We are also praying for you guys.
Oh and thanks for feeding our kids while we are gone. That has been invaluable.
Until next time...
Blessings.
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| Saying good bye to Jane |
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| Learning how to crush some candy |
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| About to board her first flight |
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| Too much excitement |
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| I got to watch her draw this today so much talent |
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Capturing Joy ~ An Update
Here goes with a second attempt at an update since I erased the first one somehow. Frustrated doesn't even begin to explain how I feel right now. Today has been highly emotional, oh please, who am I kidding, this whole trip has been difficult from the onset. Not losing my joy, however small it might be. That is my strength, although I won't lie, I am not drawing from it like I should.
Tuesday met us with little to no sleep the night before. I am sure the time change coupled with nerves/excitement over what was about to happen were to blame. We met our guide, Jane at 930 and headed to the civil affairs office which, thankfully was only 10 minutes away. After a brief wait, we were shown to an office and then just like that, Joy was there. It was crazy. It took me back to meeting JG for the first time. For months and months they are just a face in a picture or video and suddenly there they are in the flesh. Sadly, there are no pictures or video of our first meeting but it was very surprising. I could tell she was shy but without hesitation she came over and hugged both me and Brian (not sure if she was prompted or not). We were shocked. I had asked Jane earlier about hugging her and she said I should give her some time which I completely agreed with. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm her. The rest of Tuesday was filled with interviews, more paperwork and finally back to the hotel for some down time. There were no words for just how exhausted we both were.
Wednesday found us without a guide which would have been completely overwhelming had we not figured out how to use the translating device. Our girl is much smarter than we are and that device is a complete life saver. Luckily she is willing to learn and already knows how to say "OK, thank you, I love you (which she says a lot), sorry, please and Yes". My favorite is "mommy". She says it anytime she hands me the device to read or when she comes out or goes in somewhere. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Its cute. She will need a lot of speech therapy but before that can even help her she will need surgery to begin correcting what should have probably been corrected a long time ago. Anyway, we shopped all day Wednesday and had so much fun doing it. She is not easy to buy for though. She has come from such poverty that she tells us everything is too expensive or that she doesn't need it. Except this couldn't be further from the truth. She came to us with the clothes on her back, 2 t-shirts and an extra pair of shoes. It is truly eye opening for me. And while I am thankful she doesn't want to take advantage of her "rich" American parents I do want to convey to her its OK to have what you need.
While in a book store I found an English speaking associate who was able to help my daughter choose some books. I had the girl explain we have a looooooong trip home and she will need something to read. We bought her the first three Harry Potter books which she was excited about.
Today was the day that brought the most joy and the most heartbreak. It was the day that I originally resisted the most. Meeting her foster family. This is the family who have raised her since she was 3 years old.
As we made our way through the back alley I felt a lump rise in my throat which I forced back. I knew this was necessary. The foster mom and sister met us at the bottom of the stairs and the excitement when they all saw each other was priceless and precious. The foster mom can't be more than 4'11 but she is a pistol. So much energy and such a happy personality. We made our way up the four flights of stairs and were all out of breath at the top. The foster mom's sister and her daughter were also there. They were all so welcoming, it was truly wonderful. They served us warm water (a cultural thing) and sliced pears. They all talked a mile a minute, over each other and very loudly. I would fit in with the Chinese for sure in that arena. And there was lots of laughter. It was such a beautiful reunion. Lots of hugging. It was evident that her foster sister was struggling the whole time. Her eyes were red and constantly seemed to be brimming with tears. Understandably, since they were together since toddler hood. Joy's little foster brother was quite smitten with Brian and especially all the cameras. Joy even let him take pictures with the camera we gave her. I can't even imagine how funny those pictures will look. We all took lots of pictures and we gave them the gifts we brought. The foster sister even allowed me to put on the necklace we got for her, which she loved. We got to see the bedroom that she shared with her foster mother, sister and foster brother. One room that is smaller than my master bedroom closet. Through the interpreter they talked to us a lot. They told us how smart and capable Joy is. What a good and easy going child she is. How they are so happy she has this chance to have a better life, to go to college and have a great future. The foster mother also jokingly asked if we could find her daughter a nice American boy to marry. Brian then said, "of course. And we will find you one too". She got a big kick out of that. They kept thanking us and saying how kind we are. It was overwhelming. They told us how beautiful our children are and how nice our house is. As I looked around, I couldn't help but silently repent for every complaint I had ever voiced. As we stood up to leave the emotional dam broke and everyone started crying. It was more than we could handle and we started to cry too. As I passed around the Kleenex we promised to take good care of her and love her forever. We hugged everyone and said our final goodbyes. As we made our way down the stairs all I could think about was my kids, and then I lost it again. She has loved this little girl as her own but because there is nothing better for her as an orphan she is doing the right thing by letting her go. I can't imagine her heartbreak.
I would love to share more pictures but this has literally taken me 3 hours to write because the Internet is so terrible over here.
One more thing to add though. I am truly thankful how well this has gone. Joy did not shed one tear leaving her foster family today and we think it is because she has already done so much grieving over the past few months before we even got here. Our guide told us that every time she would visit and they would talk about it she would cry so hard. It is possible she has been processing it for a while now and acceptance is here now that we are. I have read more than my fair share of stories where it wasn't even half this good so I know how blessed we are. I also know this is only the beginning and the honeymoon won't last forever. Lets face it, this isn't how it was supposed to be for her. In a perfect world she would be living with the parents who gave her life. But instead has faced more heartbreak in 13 years than most of us will experience in a life time. And while she is very happy and smiling it doesn't mean she isn't horribly uncomfortable. I know I am. I am completely out of my comfort zone. But GOD...He is bigger than all I feel and all I see that isn't right. My heart is broken in 2 at all the hundreds of thousands of children around the world who aren't given the chance that we are giving Joy. I implore you, get involved with orphan care. Know that God doesn't ask you to, HE COMMANDS you to. You who are reading this live privileged lives, you can DO SOMETHING. Even if its small. It isn't small to someone like Joy. I know how insurmountable it is. But I also know God is bigger. We raised $60,000 in less than 5 years to bring these girl's home. A little bit, is a little bit that these kids didn't have before. See the bigger picture. Stop making excuses and put your money where your mouth is. For where your money is there is your heart. What does your heart beat for? Yourself, your wants, your desires, or God's, His wants, His desires. And if you aren't sure, then get on your knees. I promise if you are really seeking Him, He has the power to change your desires to line up with His. And trust me, once He gets a hold of your heart, you won't even be able to remember what your selfish desires were. End of rant. :)
We love you all and are so thankful you joined us on this journey.
Oh and a message from Joy. "I am so excited to see you all and meet you all."
Blessings.
Tuesday met us with little to no sleep the night before. I am sure the time change coupled with nerves/excitement over what was about to happen were to blame. We met our guide, Jane at 930 and headed to the civil affairs office which, thankfully was only 10 minutes away. After a brief wait, we were shown to an office and then just like that, Joy was there. It was crazy. It took me back to meeting JG for the first time. For months and months they are just a face in a picture or video and suddenly there they are in the flesh. Sadly, there are no pictures or video of our first meeting but it was very surprising. I could tell she was shy but without hesitation she came over and hugged both me and Brian (not sure if she was prompted or not). We were shocked. I had asked Jane earlier about hugging her and she said I should give her some time which I completely agreed with. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm her. The rest of Tuesday was filled with interviews, more paperwork and finally back to the hotel for some down time. There were no words for just how exhausted we both were.
Wednesday found us without a guide which would have been completely overwhelming had we not figured out how to use the translating device. Our girl is much smarter than we are and that device is a complete life saver. Luckily she is willing to learn and already knows how to say "OK, thank you, I love you (which she says a lot), sorry, please and Yes". My favorite is "mommy". She says it anytime she hands me the device to read or when she comes out or goes in somewhere. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Its cute. She will need a lot of speech therapy but before that can even help her she will need surgery to begin correcting what should have probably been corrected a long time ago. Anyway, we shopped all day Wednesday and had so much fun doing it. She is not easy to buy for though. She has come from such poverty that she tells us everything is too expensive or that she doesn't need it. Except this couldn't be further from the truth. She came to us with the clothes on her back, 2 t-shirts and an extra pair of shoes. It is truly eye opening for me. And while I am thankful she doesn't want to take advantage of her "rich" American parents I do want to convey to her its OK to have what you need.
While in a book store I found an English speaking associate who was able to help my daughter choose some books. I had the girl explain we have a looooooong trip home and she will need something to read. We bought her the first three Harry Potter books which she was excited about.
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| This was the most interesting way I've ever seen someone eat a sandwich. |
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| Yes! We shopped at the GAP in China. Don't judge. Mama needed familiar. |
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| Enjoying her favorite food. |
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| The round building is our hotel. |
As we made our way through the back alley I felt a lump rise in my throat which I forced back. I knew this was necessary. The foster mom and sister met us at the bottom of the stairs and the excitement when they all saw each other was priceless and precious. The foster mom can't be more than 4'11 but she is a pistol. So much energy and such a happy personality. We made our way up the four flights of stairs and were all out of breath at the top. The foster mom's sister and her daughter were also there. They were all so welcoming, it was truly wonderful. They served us warm water (a cultural thing) and sliced pears. They all talked a mile a minute, over each other and very loudly. I would fit in with the Chinese for sure in that arena. And there was lots of laughter. It was such a beautiful reunion. Lots of hugging. It was evident that her foster sister was struggling the whole time. Her eyes were red and constantly seemed to be brimming with tears. Understandably, since they were together since toddler hood. Joy's little foster brother was quite smitten with Brian and especially all the cameras. Joy even let him take pictures with the camera we gave her. I can't even imagine how funny those pictures will look. We all took lots of pictures and we gave them the gifts we brought. The foster sister even allowed me to put on the necklace we got for her, which she loved. We got to see the bedroom that she shared with her foster mother, sister and foster brother. One room that is smaller than my master bedroom closet. Through the interpreter they talked to us a lot. They told us how smart and capable Joy is. What a good and easy going child she is. How they are so happy she has this chance to have a better life, to go to college and have a great future. The foster mother also jokingly asked if we could find her daughter a nice American boy to marry. Brian then said, "of course. And we will find you one too". She got a big kick out of that. They kept thanking us and saying how kind we are. It was overwhelming. They told us how beautiful our children are and how nice our house is. As I looked around, I couldn't help but silently repent for every complaint I had ever voiced. As we stood up to leave the emotional dam broke and everyone started crying. It was more than we could handle and we started to cry too. As I passed around the Kleenex we promised to take good care of her and love her forever. We hugged everyone and said our final goodbyes. As we made our way down the stairs all I could think about was my kids, and then I lost it again. She has loved this little girl as her own but because there is nothing better for her as an orphan she is doing the right thing by letting her go. I can't imagine her heartbreak.
One more thing to add though. I am truly thankful how well this has gone. Joy did not shed one tear leaving her foster family today and we think it is because she has already done so much grieving over the past few months before we even got here. Our guide told us that every time she would visit and they would talk about it she would cry so hard. It is possible she has been processing it for a while now and acceptance is here now that we are. I have read more than my fair share of stories where it wasn't even half this good so I know how blessed we are. I also know this is only the beginning and the honeymoon won't last forever. Lets face it, this isn't how it was supposed to be for her. In a perfect world she would be living with the parents who gave her life. But instead has faced more heartbreak in 13 years than most of us will experience in a life time. And while she is very happy and smiling it doesn't mean she isn't horribly uncomfortable. I know I am. I am completely out of my comfort zone. But GOD...He is bigger than all I feel and all I see that isn't right. My heart is broken in 2 at all the hundreds of thousands of children around the world who aren't given the chance that we are giving Joy. I implore you, get involved with orphan care. Know that God doesn't ask you to, HE COMMANDS you to. You who are reading this live privileged lives, you can DO SOMETHING. Even if its small. It isn't small to someone like Joy. I know how insurmountable it is. But I also know God is bigger. We raised $60,000 in less than 5 years to bring these girl's home. A little bit, is a little bit that these kids didn't have before. See the bigger picture. Stop making excuses and put your money where your mouth is. For where your money is there is your heart. What does your heart beat for? Yourself, your wants, your desires, or God's, His wants, His desires. And if you aren't sure, then get on your knees. I promise if you are really seeking Him, He has the power to change your desires to line up with His. And trust me, once He gets a hold of your heart, you won't even be able to remember what your selfish desires were. End of rant. :)
We love you all and are so thankful you joined us on this journey.
Oh and a message from Joy. "I am so excited to see you all and meet you all."
Blessings.
Monday, April 6, 2015
The Surreal just got REAL
After 34 hours, 3 planes and a 50 minute drive to the hotel we finally settled in for some decent sleep at 330am Monday morning China time. Not too bad considering we left our house at 6 am Saturday! Crazy!
After waking up this afternoon at 330 we decided to check out this city of about 8 million by walking next door to the mall. Don't judge. It was 85 degrees outside and 100% humidity and I think we are still running on fumes.
They don't really do ac here in China so we walked the mall while we sweat. Luckily, Starbucks was by the entrance so that made Brian's day and helped to cool him off.
Dinner time came fast and since its kind of hard to order in a regular restaurant we just went back to the hotel to eat. $54!!!! later (including an $8, yes I said $8 bottle of water) and I've decided to live on all the granola bars I brought. Hopefully breakfast won't be as much or we will be doing another fundraiser when we get back.
Tomorrow is the day our whole world and Joy's, changes. Our guide called us today to tell us they changed the meeting time. It was originally 3pm but has been moved to 10am! We are sooooo nervous. We will also go the same day and complete the adoption, making everything final and apply for her passport. We will then just be waiting for that to be completed, which happens on Friday.
Now, you are all filled in. Prayers appreciated (today at 10pm USA time) as this sweet girl gets her dream of a forever family granted by the greatest Father of them all.
Blessings.
After waking up this afternoon at 330 we decided to check out this city of about 8 million by walking next door to the mall. Don't judge. It was 85 degrees outside and 100% humidity and I think we are still running on fumes.
They don't really do ac here in China so we walked the mall while we sweat. Luckily, Starbucks was by the entrance so that made Brian's day and helped to cool him off.
Dinner time came fast and since its kind of hard to order in a regular restaurant we just went back to the hotel to eat. $54!!!! later (including an $8, yes I said $8 bottle of water) and I've decided to live on all the granola bars I brought. Hopefully breakfast won't be as much or we will be doing another fundraiser when we get back.
Tomorrow is the day our whole world and Joy's, changes. Our guide called us today to tell us they changed the meeting time. It was originally 3pm but has been moved to 10am! We are sooooo nervous. We will also go the same day and complete the adoption, making everything final and apply for her passport. We will then just be waiting for that to be completed, which happens on Friday.
Now, you are all filled in. Prayers appreciated (today at 10pm USA time) as this sweet girl gets her dream of a forever family granted by the greatest Father of them all.
Blessings.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
The Journey has Begun
The house is quiet as I sit in near darkness contemplating all that begins in just 5 and 1/2 short hours.
My eye lids are heavy but I am determined to stay awake just a little longer in the hopes I will be so tired tomorrow that sleep will find me on that long leg to Beijing.
I think of Joy. It is 12:23pm where she is. What is she doing? What is she thinking about? Is she anxious? Scared? Sad? Is she filled with hopeful anticipation or terror and dread?
What about her foster mom and foster sister? This sweet girl who has been such an integral part of their lives for a little over 10 years will be leaving and, most likely, never coming back. What are they thinking and feeling?
And Jenna Grace. She is fast asleep at Nai Nai's probably dreaming about Frozen.
What about the the boys, Brian and me?! Our lives will never be the same again. Its surreal. And despite all the angst and struggle at different times on this journey it is so worth it.
I think about all it took to get to this place. This place that is so far from anything we thought we would do. I stress to people all the time. This wasn't EVER at any point part of any plan we ever had for ourselves. Sure we knew we would adopt again, but this soon and a 13 year old?! No way!
BUT GOD. His provision blows me away. Just today another $1,000 has come in. WOW!
But not just in the finances. In the multitude of ways he has grown and shaped us though out this process. How we have grown in trust and faith.
Things are still a little rocky for me on the anxiety ship but not near where they were even just 1 month ago. I am so thankful for a God who continues to love on me and point me in the right direction despite myself. He is so gracious and merciful. There really aren't enough words to articulate exactly how I am feeling.
As we begin our journey in a few hours I am counting on and believing God for even more growth as, (personally), I face my greatest fear (flying) to do His work. The work that I am truly honored to do to help further HIS Kingdom.
Won't you come along for the ride?
Blessings.
My eye lids are heavy but I am determined to stay awake just a little longer in the hopes I will be so tired tomorrow that sleep will find me on that long leg to Beijing.
I think of Joy. It is 12:23pm where she is. What is she doing? What is she thinking about? Is she anxious? Scared? Sad? Is she filled with hopeful anticipation or terror and dread?
What about her foster mom and foster sister? This sweet girl who has been such an integral part of their lives for a little over 10 years will be leaving and, most likely, never coming back. What are they thinking and feeling?
And Jenna Grace. She is fast asleep at Nai Nai's probably dreaming about Frozen.
What about the the boys, Brian and me?! Our lives will never be the same again. Its surreal. And despite all the angst and struggle at different times on this journey it is so worth it.
I think about all it took to get to this place. This place that is so far from anything we thought we would do. I stress to people all the time. This wasn't EVER at any point part of any plan we ever had for ourselves. Sure we knew we would adopt again, but this soon and a 13 year old?! No way!
BUT GOD. His provision blows me away. Just today another $1,000 has come in. WOW!
But not just in the finances. In the multitude of ways he has grown and shaped us though out this process. How we have grown in trust and faith.
Things are still a little rocky for me on the anxiety ship but not near where they were even just 1 month ago. I am so thankful for a God who continues to love on me and point me in the right direction despite myself. He is so gracious and merciful. There really aren't enough words to articulate exactly how I am feeling.
As we begin our journey in a few hours I am counting on and believing God for even more growth as, (personally), I face my greatest fear (flying) to do His work. The work that I am truly honored to do to help further HIS Kingdom.
Won't you come along for the ride?
Blessings.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Countdown to Capturing Joy
We are one week away. This time next week, our bags will be checked in and we will be waiting to board the first leg of an incredibly long journey to go get our girl.
Tensions have been a little high and anxiety has taken its toll. That can happen when you feel like certain things are falling apart just weeks before travel.
Thursday I had a nice big breakdown as I contemplated leaving my precious 3 year old for 12 days. Don't get me wrong, I will miss my boys but she is so little however I have to remember she is also resilient. And, she will be in THE best care on the planet.
The anxiety attack was also attached to my insane fear of flying. You know, being 38,000 feet in the air in a metal tube for 13 hours with no way out! Yeah, that!
BUT GOD. Did you know I would say that? Its kind of my mantra. We couldn't have gotten to this point...again without Him and all of you. Huge THANK YOU!!!
Quick fundraising update: we hosted a Cut-a Thon at the very end of February raising just over $1500!!! It was insane. People are amazing. We had four stylists that worked their butts off for three hours cutting away to bring this girl home. We also had handmade crafts donated and my friend, Laurie and I worked for 3 weeks making as much jewelry as we could. It was a HUGE success.
Since then donations have still come in very regularly meeting us right when we need it. After buying our tickets, for instance, we had a friend of ours pay to upgrade us to economy plus on our long legs. There aren't enough words to say thank you for that blessing.
The girls' room is just about finished. Today we will be adding the finishing touches and then the fun begins...packing! Can you hear the sarcasm?
I spent most of last night googling packing tips, traveling tips etc. I found things like "How to survive an international flight in coach" or "8 things you never pack but should" and even "How to pack 30 outfits into your carry on". They made me laugh but I did take away some little nuggets of wisdom. Like one recommendation to get a lot of exercise the day before an international flight. Makes total sense and I will definitely be doing that. Or another that said rolling your clothes takes less space than folding. Whatever works right?
About Joy. She is amazing. In the last 2 weeks we have received a host of new updates. Pictures and videos that have reinforced to us she does indeed know what is about to take place. And even though she is terribly sad she is also very ready to have, in her own words, "her own mama and baba". It truly warms and saddens my heart all at the same time.
We also learned she has never called anyone mama...ever! She calls her foster mother moo-moo (not sure of spelling) which is Chinese for "older Auntie". My heart broke when I learned of this and I consider it a sacred thing if she chooses to call me "mama".
Prayer requests. For our family in general. For the boys while we are gone. My Aunt Holly will be coming to stay with them which basically means one big party. She is amazing. So thankful for her presence in our lives.
Our girl. She will be with her Nai Nai the first part and then with our really good family friends, The Teagues the second part. She will be loved and spoiled in both homes but just pray her little heart has the understanding she needs.
For Brian: he has a lot of stress while preparing to leave for 12 days that just adds to his normal stress at his job in general. He bears the brunt of our adoption paperwork and now adding a 13 year old girl to his life. This is a man who has less knowledge than I do about girls, having been raised with 3 brothers.
For me: the anxiety I deal with is under control most of the time (thank you Jesus) but can be triggered when I least expect it (this is what happened on Thursday). I am thankful that through it I am leaning on Jesus and not myself and also thankful for people who pray.
For the trip: Our travel time getting there is 35 hours with a 7 HOUR layover in Beijing. Please pray for smooth travel. But most of all that we can sleep on the long leg. We were unable to do so last time which made everything 100 times worse. Pray for our health, that it will remain intact and we will keep our joy throughout the journey no matter the trials we face. The JOY of the LORD WILL be our strength.
Please pray for our time in country, especially the time we will spend in her province. Joy has requested she be given the chance to go and say good bye once again to her foster family and to return to her school to take pictures and say good bye. Of course we will oblige her in whatever she wants. We recognize this is a massive undertaking and want to be sensitive to her needs.
For Joy: her heart and mind. Pray that even now, God is preparing her heart to not only receive us and to bond with us but also to eventually receive His love and grace. Our biggest prayer is she be adopted a second time into His family. That is more important than anything we could ever do for her.
I think that is all for now. Once again, we want to say we are so thankful for all of your support and encouragement along the way. Please book mark this page and watch our journey unfold while we are there.
Blessings.
Tensions have been a little high and anxiety has taken its toll. That can happen when you feel like certain things are falling apart just weeks before travel.
Thursday I had a nice big breakdown as I contemplated leaving my precious 3 year old for 12 days. Don't get me wrong, I will miss my boys but she is so little however I have to remember she is also resilient. And, she will be in THE best care on the planet.
The anxiety attack was also attached to my insane fear of flying. You know, being 38,000 feet in the air in a metal tube for 13 hours with no way out! Yeah, that!
BUT GOD. Did you know I would say that? Its kind of my mantra. We couldn't have gotten to this point...again without Him and all of you. Huge THANK YOU!!!
Quick fundraising update: we hosted a Cut-a Thon at the very end of February raising just over $1500!!! It was insane. People are amazing. We had four stylists that worked their butts off for three hours cutting away to bring this girl home. We also had handmade crafts donated and my friend, Laurie and I worked for 3 weeks making as much jewelry as we could. It was a HUGE success.
Since then donations have still come in very regularly meeting us right when we need it. After buying our tickets, for instance, we had a friend of ours pay to upgrade us to economy plus on our long legs. There aren't enough words to say thank you for that blessing.
The girls' room is just about finished. Today we will be adding the finishing touches and then the fun begins...packing! Can you hear the sarcasm?
I spent most of last night googling packing tips, traveling tips etc. I found things like "How to survive an international flight in coach" or "8 things you never pack but should" and even "How to pack 30 outfits into your carry on". They made me laugh but I did take away some little nuggets of wisdom. Like one recommendation to get a lot of exercise the day before an international flight. Makes total sense and I will definitely be doing that. Or another that said rolling your clothes takes less space than folding. Whatever works right?
About Joy. She is amazing. In the last 2 weeks we have received a host of new updates. Pictures and videos that have reinforced to us she does indeed know what is about to take place. And even though she is terribly sad she is also very ready to have, in her own words, "her own mama and baba". It truly warms and saddens my heart all at the same time.
We also learned she has never called anyone mama...ever! She calls her foster mother moo-moo (not sure of spelling) which is Chinese for "older Auntie". My heart broke when I learned of this and I consider it a sacred thing if she chooses to call me "mama".
 |
| Joy with her foster sister |
 |
| Her foster family |
 | |
| Our sweet Joy. |
Our girl. She will be with her Nai Nai the first part and then with our really good family friends, The Teagues the second part. She will be loved and spoiled in both homes but just pray her little heart has the understanding she needs.
For Brian: he has a lot of stress while preparing to leave for 12 days that just adds to his normal stress at his job in general. He bears the brunt of our adoption paperwork and now adding a 13 year old girl to his life. This is a man who has less knowledge than I do about girls, having been raised with 3 brothers.
For me: the anxiety I deal with is under control most of the time (thank you Jesus) but can be triggered when I least expect it (this is what happened on Thursday). I am thankful that through it I am leaning on Jesus and not myself and also thankful for people who pray.
For the trip: Our travel time getting there is 35 hours with a 7 HOUR layover in Beijing. Please pray for smooth travel. But most of all that we can sleep on the long leg. We were unable to do so last time which made everything 100 times worse. Pray for our health, that it will remain intact and we will keep our joy throughout the journey no matter the trials we face. The JOY of the LORD WILL be our strength.
Please pray for our time in country, especially the time we will spend in her province. Joy has requested she be given the chance to go and say good bye once again to her foster family and to return to her school to take pictures and say good bye. Of course we will oblige her in whatever she wants. We recognize this is a massive undertaking and want to be sensitive to her needs.
For Joy: her heart and mind. Pray that even now, God is preparing her heart to not only receive us and to bond with us but also to eventually receive His love and grace. Our biggest prayer is she be adopted a second time into His family. That is more important than anything we could ever do for her.
I think that is all for now. Once again, we want to say we are so thankful for all of your support and encouragement along the way. Please book mark this page and watch our journey unfold while we are there.
Blessings.
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