The dark is consuming me with negative thoughts and feelings as I struggle to stay asleep. The "what ifs" are now plaguing me in another way.
Joy is here now. Does she wish she weren't? What if she hates every meal I've put in front of her thus far? What if she is screaming on the inside like I am? What if her pain is so great and there are no words because the language barrier is so vast? What if I can't rise up against all the selfishness in my heart? What if I can't help my daughter heal? What if, what if, what if...? I already feel like I am going in sane.
One day at a time. One moment at a time if I must. This is the path I must stay on. Reminding myself that God says DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW!!! Only today. OK, I tell myself. What is going on today? A friend suggested I write out one goal a day so I don't try and take on too much. I feel so lame. I don't ask for help well. I want my weakness to shine God's strength. Yet feel I can't even do that right. He is so much more than I can ever be on my own, Thank GOD. I glance at my wrist that reminds me everyday I AM is enough. HE IS!
I am reminded the jet lag and time change are still ravaging the three of us and I am always more emotional when I'm tired. My Aunt, who is more like a mom to me has been a rock these first few days home and she just left. I am reeling. No matter what there is no support like family support.
As Joy hands me the translating device I can't help but think how frustrated she must be. This is the third attempt trying to make me understand what she needs. I look and say "I don't know", she repeats, "I don't know?" The struggle is real.
On the upside, the honeymoon phase is in full swing. She loves her sister and JG loves her. They play together constantly. Joy is sweet and loving. She says "I love you". Is already figuring out how to get her own water out of the fridge door. HA!! Such a first world thing. I taught her to put her plate and silverware in the dishwasher and all the while wish I could get in her head and see what she is thinking about all these new experiences.
There is so much to do between all the doctors appointments that are looming, ESL that will hopefully start this week, and the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head of how I can help her even more. This doesn't include just being a halfway decent wife to B, of which I want to be more than half, mom to my other 4 kids and their needs. Can I do it all? Right now, I don't feel like I can. But I have to remember, God has always told me I will be equipped when I need equipping. So, one foot in front of the other, one day at time, one appointment at a time, one need at a time. His mercies are new every morning. He is so faithful when I am so faithless. I am so thankful and my heart is truly full.
Blessings.
A very wise friend (You) once told me, "if you worry about something you're basically saying you're bigger then God and He can't handle your situation." That has stuck with me and every time I begin to worry about something I hear your voice in my head saying those words to me. Now I say them back to you. God's got your back. He did not give you this strong desire to adopt if He didn't think you could handle it.
ReplyDeleteMatthew 6:27 says, "can any one of you by worrying add a a single hour to your life?" The answer is "No".
I know it sounds cliche but some day you will re-read this post and laugh. Once Joy learns our language she will tell you how thankful she is for the opportunity for a better life in the states.
I think of your family often and when I do I pray for peace, strength, and wisdom on how to handle every day struggles. You're gonna make it. DON'T WORRY!!
Love,
Stacie
Hang in there. God called you to this place so He will give you the strength to make it through!
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